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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

American Idol: It’s a Long, Long Ride

I’m back again, talking about the Idol, mocking Paula Abdul, generally agreeing with Simon, and wondering how much longer Scott can stay on the show.

This week, they’ll be showcasing current music. Man, what would I give to hear someone sing Mark Lanegan’s song “Resurrection Song.” Just sayin’.

Carrie Underwood Country music for the masses.  When it comes to performing, she still looks a little funny. She can’t dance, but her body continually wiggles in odd ways. I don’t know the song, I don’t like the song. She sounded okay, I guess.

Whatever. I was bored. The “let’s get up close and personal” opening with her weepy mother was a serious annoyance. Go away.

Wow, even Paula didn’t like the performance that much. Apparently my minor bit of praise was overstated.

Side note: Clay Aiken, wearing those clothes, must be advertising something. I mean, that was a rainbow of colors on display.

Bo Bice Bo’s girlfriend is exactly what you’d expect--and that’s not a bad thing. Cute in a very Alabama way. I’m also pleased that he name-dropped Anthrax. Now, sing something that doesn’t suck, bud.

Hmm. I dunno. The song didn’t do much for me, but it suited him well. It was a really good performance of an decent song. Yeah, he’s definitely hitting his stride (although he was better last week).

Side note: Is it just me or does XXX: State of the Union look like a complete waste of time? I mean, to be honest, I didn’t really like the first one, but when you step down from Vin to Ice (Cube, not T), you might be taking a step forward in comedy delivery, but you’ve taken a hell of a step down in action star cred.

Vonzell Whatserface Wow. What a freakin’ boring song. I mean, I’m feeling like I’m at the high school graduation where one of the more talented (and, no doubt, she is talented--even on this bore-fest of a song, her voice has some shining moments) choir folks sings the inspirational song.

Whatever. It sounded affected and the song was bland.

Randy loved it. Paula loved it (but we already know what I think of her critical abilities). Simon didn’t think it was that great, but didn’t dislike it in the same way that I did.

Apropos of not too damned much: the g-phrase notes that Vonzell has a remarkably large bottom. It is true: Vonzell does have a freakishly large butt.

Side note: The Cingular Chewie ringtone ad made me giggle. The woman in the State Farm “I ran over my husband’s foot” makes me happy (but I still wish the ad would go away). I can’t wait for the return of Family Guy this weekend. Hasn’t That 70’s Show been on longer than the 70’s actually lasted? Or does it just feel that way?

Anthony Fedorov (Whose name I spell according to mood rather than correctness) I like his parents far more than I like the tofu kid. By far.

And when he starts singing, the feeling intensifies. Especially since he seems to be trying to emulate the hated Constantine Stare of Uncomfortable Lust. He keeps singing “I surrender,” but he doesn’t actually leave the stage.

Bastard.

It was a Celin Dion (?) song. No wonder I hated it.

Randy liked it. Paula liked it. Simon hated it (his words, not mine), but he thinks that Anthony reached out to his audience and gave them what he wanted.

Stupid audience.

Constantine Keep your dirty eyes to yourself, pal.

Anyway.

Heheh. “How You Remind Me.” I would have thought that this would be a good song for him, but it turned out to be a bad immitation, complete with kicking motions at the camera. This song is supposed to be filled with angst and pain; from Constantine we get a load of poses and “hey, ma, I’m a rock star” moves. I’m back to hating Constantine.

Randy didn’t like it, although he actually thought the performance was good. Stupid Randy.

Paula still managed to like the thing, proving her amazing lack of critical thinking skills.

Simon nailed him to the wall (with a really lame Star Wars metaphor). He also thought that it sounded like a bad immitation. Smart Simon.

Scott As Andy pointed out in the comments, you have to go look at the fun animated GIF. That’s funny, cruel stuff.

Unfortunately for Scott, I’d rather be watching the animated gif. The song was like an easy listening ice pick to the ears--too sweet, too bland, too meaningless, and too poor of a performance for me to survive more than this once. Send him home, America. It was a weak week, and his was the weakest performance.

Pure, unadulterated crap.

Bo was best, but the bar was set pretty low this week.


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