Zomby provides insta-translation.

On taxes:
Romney, raising fees doesn’t really count as raising taxes and I can name-drop Reagan with the best of ‘em. McCain Sucks. I believe Huckabee but he probably lied. Let’s lower taxes and give middle income folks a tax break.

McCain: Reagan. Reagan. Cut taxes and spending at the same time like Reagan would do. I’m a responsible fiscal conservative tax-cutter guy unlike these guys who just want to do one half of the tough job. I’m all about the veto, I’m all about fiscal sanity, and I don’t dig porkbarrel projects. Which, yeah…

Romney: Please. Bush rocks and so did his tax cuts. I’ll do even better, though, because I have a history of cutting spending and not raising taxes (except for those fees, which I’m hoping you won’t talk about anymore).

McCain: I rock. I may not be loved, but I have a better record. So there.

Huckabee: Sly dig at Romney. Nudge nudge. Romney’s my bitch. Fee bumps are too tax increases. I cut taxes all the time. I’m really good at it. “I made government work.” Screw you libertarians.

Romney: You did, too, raise taxes.

Huckabee: Well you raised more taxes in those fees.

Romney: I don’t like you. Lying bastard. I have a good record and yours isn’t as good. Did you raise taxes or not? Just answer, bitch.

Huckabee: Stop being mean to me, jerk. I made government work and did lots of stuff with those tax raises that I don’t admit to having made. So there.

Romney: Bitch.

Rudy: Dude, I recommended lots of tax cuts and enacted quite a few. I lowered the income tax rate and hotel occupancy rates, too. And some other stuff. Figures. Figures. Largest tax cu in the city. I totally refuse to let anyone else bogart this issue. Supply-sidedness is next to godliness and I want to cut more taxes, too. Slash slash slash.

Thompson: Hey, cool. Me. I never said I would cut Social Security and I’m the only one that’s put out a real plan. Everyone else just talks a bunch of shit, but I’ve given you a real idea with big changes, some privatization, and more fiscal sanity. The blue hairs might not like it, but I’m not taking anything from them. I’m just trying to make it sane. Now shut up and let me talk for a second--I’m trying to bring some substance to this, okay--here’s how I want to save 4.7 trillion dollars and how I would be willing to talk directly to the public to get it done.

Romney: Bold idea, not a good one, though. Vote for me blue hairs. But, yeah, boy, we sure should do something or other that might involve some privatization.

Thompson: Dude, were you even listening to me?

McCain: I like Fred. I like that Bush tried to do it, too. But we need another big --name drop Gipper here—pow wow with the opposition to fix this thing. Because it’s really broken. Really really broken.

On Economic Populism:
Huckabee: You love me, don’t you? Because I’m nice and I’m a lot like you and I stay at cheap hotels and gas prices hurt me, too. It’s tough to be a regular American which is why I try so hard to pretend I’m one of them. For some reason. Too much taxes, too much legislation, too much regulation, too much otheration, so let’s fix it, folks. Gipper. Gipper loves you and I do, too.

Romney: He’s a jerk. Why are you people buying into this? He wants to punish big businesses and hurt job growth. Can’t you folks see that? I mean, I’ve had some tough times, too. Do you think hair like this comes from never, ever having tough times? I can be populist, too.

Huckabee: I love businesses and I want to eliminate death.

Fred: You’re funny.

Huckabee: Thanks!

Fred: Still don’t like you, though.

Huckabee: Average Americans like me, who stay in economy hotels, resents stuff about taxes and things and, good Lord, I’m getting tired of the sound of my own voice.

Rudy: These guys don’t know how to fix economies and I do. New York City: broken before me, rockin’ after I was done. Take that, populist losers. I tied welfare to work (workfare) which worked out pretty well, yeah? Work is good. Poor people working means fewer poor people. C’mon, it’s simple. I may not ever have been one of the average or poor people, but I’ve seen them before and I declared my love for them.

Fred: Yeah, Fair Tax has some nice ideas, but I’m not sure about it in implementation. Flat or flatter tax seems like a better and more workable idea to me, though, and it has a chance of passing. Simplifying and flattening the taxes wouldn’t be such a bad idea, would it? Rudy seems to like it...hey, why the hell are you cutting me off, jerk?

Agents of Change:
McCain: I’m very changy. Didn’t like Rumsfeld, thought changes in strategy would be good. That worked out pretty well, didn’t it? Saved American lives. Campaign finance reform was extra-changy. I’m at least as changy as anyone else especially when it comes to that bit in Iraq.

Romney: Sure, he’s very changy. Washington isn’t, though, so I think Washington needs an outsider who is very changy. That’s me. I’m totally changy on health care, energy, other stuff, too. Outsiders are changier than insiders; McCain’s an insider. Unlike Rudy. Who is also pretty changy. Change, change, change. I love me some change. I’m going to keep talking until someone cuts me off. Unlike Fred, who seems to get cut off at the drop of a hat. Ha ha.

McCain: Hey, I was in the Navy and I’ve got some leadership in me, too. I’ve run big organizations. Iraq. I was right and other folks were wrong. I can be just as changy as the times require. Osama is a jerk and I will totally beat him down. With change.

Thompson: Thanks for talking to me again. This format sucks. Look, leadership is more important than clinging to a buzz word as if it were a fuckin’ life raft. You can be all changy on Social Security as you want, but what we need is someone to actually fix the problem. Good answers and good leadership communicated with the American public is all the change we need. Need some honesty. Honesty is good.

Rudy: Changy Democrats suck. My changy ideas are better.

--Break--

National Security:
Romney: I have all the experience I need to be a good national security leader. Experts are overrated. Governors are better than senators because they are better executive managers. By the way, I’m nicer than McCain and I don’t have that nasty temper. Which, isn’t that nice? We’ve got lots of tough bits coming up. In fact, life in America looks a bit like hell to me. Immigrants are coming to get you and if they don’t the bad hospitals, uneducated kids, and crappy hospitals will. Vote for me.

McCain: Maybe governors haven’t always been the best choice, though, have they? Especially the ones from Arkansas. Gipper. I know the people we’d be dealing with, I’ve been to all these places, and I have a great background for national security issues. This Romney guy didn’t even take part in the Iraq debate. He’s clueless, isn’t he? Nice guy, though. See, no temper here.

Romney: Well, I was busy with running a state, so I didn’t exactly have time for that debate, did I? I mean, I said a few things here and there. Token criticism. American intelligence services surely do suck. I lived up to my responsibility in running a state. Can’t really talk about Iraq much, though, because I’ve pretty much exhausted my knowledge. Good managers are better. Gipper.

Huckabee: I’ve been to lots of countries and I can even name some of them. When I can’t name them, I’m pretty comfortable with a more general regional view of my travels. I have more experience as a manager than anyone else here. Time magazine even loved me and we improved Arkansas in all sorts of big ways and I’m going to avoid the question again for as long as I can. Maybe I don’t know everything, but I won’t let facts stand in the way of my convictions. Patriotism, God, and nicely sculpted eyebrows will help me gain the presidency and really, really big boots will crush our enemies. Which kicks ass. I love everyone. Even these people at the table. Maybe not the Mormon. Still working on that. I really don’t have much to say about this, though.

Rudy: New York City is big. I did a pretty good job as Mayor, didn’t I? I mean, I’m the only one here who actually dealt with a big Islamist attack, aren’t I? I’ve negotiated international agreements before and have been involved with anti-terrorist stuff since the 70’s. I was mean to Castro and some other real jerks, too, and told that Saudi guy to shove his big check right up his ass because I totally don’t like bad guys. Which would make me a good president.

Thompson: Romney thinks expertise counts in everything except national security. Which is weird. Terrorists are real, terrorists are scary, and we need experts. Yeah, I could talk about countries I’ve travelled to and stuff like that, but, basically, I’ve got lots of experience and that experience counts. Huckabee is wrong, too: our foreign policy isn’t arrogant, I don’t want to import terrorists into the US from Guantanamo. And, on health care, Ted Kennedy likes you, doesn’t he, Mitt?

Huckabee: Guantanamo. I’ve visited prisons. Guantanamo was too nice, but I wasn’t talking about closing it because it was bad, per se. I was talking about closing it for some other vague reason that I can’t exactly get across to your simple minds.

Thomson: WTF?

McCain: I could totally nail bin Laden to the wall. Yeah. No problem. Lots of military folks and national security experts like me and that makes me better on this issue than the other folks at this table. I’ve got the experience, I’ve got the respect. I rock.

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