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Monday, September 18, 2006

Follow-up to Brilliance (Friday 15 September 2006)

I’m an idiot.

This may come as a shock to people who read my post from a few days ago (wherein I painted a vivid and, I’m pretty sure, convincing portrait of myself as a genius. Sadly, the persona of amazing intellectual capacity turns out to be a lie.

Because I’m an idiot.

I flew today from Denver to Milwaukee and then from Milwaukee to Atlanta. In one of my day’s great tragedies, my wallet only flew to Milwaukee where it promptly debarked and went off to find hookers and a keg of Leinies. I don’t fault my wallet’s taste in beer (although it does have Eddie Murphy’s taste in hookers), I’m just concerned about it’s sense of timing.

I flew Midwest Airlines for the first time. With the exception of my drunken, whore-mongering wallet, it was a great experience. The Midwest flights really do have more leg, shoulder, and butt room on their Signature Series 717s. For that matter, the leather, Recaro-designed seats with extra-wide armrests made me feel pretty warm and fuzzy, too.

Something about the extra space seemed to make the passengers more pleasant, too; or maybe it’s just the warm, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies that kept everyone in line. Whatever the reason, it was easily a pair of the most relaxing flights that I’ve been on in quite some time.

The only real comparison was the American Airlines first class leg that I flew in March. Midwest has itself a convert, I’d say, and I wouldn’t hesitate to suggest them to anyone that I know.

But back to my impressive lack of a functioning brain…

On the leg to Atlanta, when I told the helpful flight attendant about my plight, she responded with a remarkable lack of pointing and giggling at Denver’s village idiot (me). In fact, once I explained that the traitorous little bastard could probably be found--falling-down drunk--at the nearest bordello, she even managed a look of sympathy. She made a call and has soon had found my wallet—still in Milwaukee as I had suspected.

She refused to describe the wallet’s condition or even tell me where it had been found. She simply told me that a professional would be there to counsel me in Atlanta.

Lord, but I was worried about the little fellow.

Next: How David made a number of people cranky in pursuit of reuniting with his wallet and was introduced to MARTA.

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