The damned, evil cows are a menace to our country; really, a menace to the world.

A United Nations report has identified the world’s rapidly growing herds of cattle as the greatest threat to the climate, forests and wildlife. And they are blamed for a host of other environmental crimes, from acid rain to the introduction of alien species, from producing deserts to creating dead zones in the oceans, from poisoning rivers and drinking water to destroying coral reefs.

If each and every one of us would make an effort to eat more cow, then the evil can be stopped. We can stop the bovine evil-doers from destroying “climate, forests and wildlife”, we can beat acid rain once and for all, and we can stop our alien overlords right in their pseudopod prints. If we all pull together as Americans, we can win this War on Bessie.

Whether it be a filet at the local steakhouse, a burger at McDonalds, or that special leather “Gimp” outfit from a nearby S&M outfit, there is something that each and everyone of us can do to make the world a safer and better place.

In a war between us and the cows, I’ve made my choice.

Update: Kindly linked by Dean Esmay who has this question for us:

What will you say to your grandchildren when they ask you what you did in this grand conflict, this generational challenge?

Indeed. And heh. In fact, indeedeheh.

Update Some More: Also linked by Kate, who doesn’t say enough to deserve an “indeedeheh”, but does earn thanks for showing good taste and a sharp eye. Brilliant linking, I say!