Where does this start making sense?

Here’s the sequence of events:

1. In the late 80’s a doctor donated sperm (we shall call him Doctor Sperm Donor because it amuses me) to a lesbian couple who wanted to have children. He made an agreement that he would have no rights or claims to the child, but then allowed his name to be listed as the father on the birth certificate.
2. For a number of years after the child was born, Doctor Sperm Donor had regular contact with the child, gave him gifts, and sent cards that he signed “Dad.”
3. The lesbian couple and the child moved to Oregon in 93.
4. Since ‘93 the doctor has seen the child once (in 2004) and spoken to him by phone just seven times.
5. For some reason--not explained in the story--the mother sued for child support.
6. For some reason--mostly lost to me--he has been found to suddenly have an obligation to financially support the 18 year old boy who is heading off to school.

Some other little tidbits of information: the agreement that he would have neither rights nor responsibilities in reference to the child was an oral agreement. Having a written agreement might not have saved him, though, apparently because of the gifts of money, cards, and the use of the terms “Dad” and “Daddy” nearly 14 years ago. The court also denied a requested paternity test on the grounds that such a test might psychologically damage the child.

I could understand a time limit on challenging paternity, but in a case like this it seems that it would be important in a newly established responsibility for the boy’s welfare. For that matter, it doesn’t sound like a time limit was a concern. I also have to wonder why the boy’s moms would oppose a test unless there was some doubt about paternity.

With both mothers being doctors, I also wonder what great need they have for their old friend’s money. Regardless of the legal questions, it seems awfully bad form for the lesbian couple to have reneged on their previous agreement. It’s a money-grubbing maneuver and a tacit admission of bad parenting: obviously, they failed in some way to provide for their son’s future and are now leaning on Doctor Sperm Donor to make up the gap.

I don’t know them, but I find their behavior despicable. Does it seem like I’m personalizing it a bit? Perhaps. Read the reason after the jump.

A few years back, I had a friend who could best be described as a part time lesbian. She had a daughter, a string of bad relationships, and really bad taste in men. Her taste in women was a little bit better, but her sense of fidelity was lacking.

At the time, we were very close. We spent a lot of time together. I was there because she was outgoing and fun and I needed someone to help occupy my mind while I was healing from a hellish divorce. She was there because she was generally needy. I realized, much later, just how much she sucked out of the people who surrounded her--especially those that treated her the best. That’s not a value judgement about her treatment of me; I’m a cold bastard and I only give to a relationship precisely what I want to give. Not a millimeter more. But some of the other people in her life suffered seriously under her tyrannical mood swings and selfishness.

Still, for a time we were close. Close enough that she asked if I would donate a little sperm so that she could have another child. See, one kid wasn’t enough and she was starting to think that she would never find “the one,” never settle down, never get married, never have another child. I wasn’t sure that I wanted kids and, if I did, I wasn’t so into the idea of being a donor. Meeting someone, settling down, having kids--those things were still possible. Acting as a sperm donor for someone else’s child didn’t feel quite right, though.

We had the conversation late one night when we had both been drinking, so how serious it was to her is an open question. I treated it seriously, though, because it’s one of those things that strikes me as important. Bringing kids into the world shouldn’t exactly be done on a whim.

I told her no. I told her I wasn’t sure that I ever wanted to have kids. Her answer was, I imagine, very close to the answer that the good Doctor Sperm Donor got from his lesbian friends: “Don’t worry. You wouldn’t be responsible for the baby. You wouldn’t have any responsibilities at all, although you could come see him whenever you want. You’re good with kids.”

I didn’t really respond and the conversation was pretty much over. We drifted back into our typical conversation--laughing hugely about life’s many cruelties. One thing that I can still appreciate about her is that her twisted, dark sense of humor not only fit my own pretty well, but made it easier to get through some hard days.

The therapists are wrong, by the way: you don’t need to pick at old wounds, sitting around talking and crying about all the bits that hurt. You just have to find a way to laugh about them ‘til they don’t hurt so much. Picking scabs just makes it worse.

We never had to worry about the problem. We drifted away from each other, her to a collection of odd boyfriends, me to a handful of partners and increasingly lighter baggage. The topic never came up again.

But if it had and if I had…

While I’ve done marginally well for myself, she’s slipped from menial job to menial job, mostly without direction and mostly without growth. Would she have come after me for support? Would she have gone back on her word regardless of the hardship it would have caused me? Like I said, she sucked everything out of people that she could and she was selfish as hell. A little legal larceny wouldn’t surprise me at all.

I would have been forced to pay, just like Doctor Sperm Donor was, not because it is right. I would have been forced to pay because sometimes the kindnesses that you do come back to haunt you in the strangest ways.

Now, remember, folks: every sperm is sacred. And if you lose track of some of it, you might just find yourself paying a pretty high cost.

Read the story.