Sunday, May 22, 2005
Painful Instrospection
Update: See, this is why one should not have the keys to one’s own blog when one is under the influence.
I am only writing this because I am drunk enough to believe that the few remaining regular readers of this site are actually interested in the person behind the writing. That’s pretty drunk, no? Any typos are purely the result of booze; I’m fairly sure that when I wrote this in my spawling handwriting on Coors Light napkins at the bar, all of the rough edges and misspelling were edited out. Therefore, all of the screw-ups happened after the actual writing.
No, really.
I know why I drink.
Not the little bit of drinking that I do on weekends. not the one or two with dinner or at a social gathering. I know why I drink.
I drink to kill the pain.
It’s not any one pain, it’s the pain of 34 years of life.
I drink to kill the pain of first kisses and that intoxication that comes with infatuation--and, yes, I’m just a little fucked up right now. See, those first kisses--those magic first kisses--were always lies that led me to the worst of either me or the people that I thought I loved. I’m not ver good at love, but I’m very good at seduction.
I drink because the moments in my life are so vivid. I fucking hate my memories. When I close my eyes, I can still feel that moment when my wife told me she was cheating on me and she wanted a divorce. I remember the pain of that moment. I can feel my hands grasping at the carpet. I can feel myself falling and weeping like a child, and the feel of her fingers in my hair and on my back while she tried to comfort me. I can fucking feel the shame.
More than anything, I can feel the shame.
I drink because I remember my failures. And there are so many.
My marriage. My stint in the army (how could I be so arrogantly stupid?>. My relationships. My family.
In fact, the places that I’ve failed are so much more numerous than those where I’ve succeeded that it’s a wonder I’m still standing. A few more drinks and I won’t be standing at all, in case you were wondering.
The count so far (and whiel I’m writing this out on those napkins, I’ve only been here for an hour) is two shots of some cherry-flavored vodka that comes in a very pretty bottle, one shot of Jaeger, one Mandarin and seven, two cherry vodka’s and seven (it goes with those shots beautifully), and one Guinness. Did I spell that correctly?
If nothing else, I do drink well.
I drink because I don’t trust myself.
Wanna know a secret? Something even my ex-wife doesn’t know? Here it is: before she ever cheated on me, I cheated on her.
Before we were married, but while we lived together, I was with another woman. I hate myself for that because what I gave to someone else, I stole from her. Let me say that again: what I gave to someone else, I stole from her. I despise myself for that.
I stopped bartending because of that. I knew I couldn’t trust myself. Alcohol, women, and me just don’t mix well.
I drink because, like so many things, I wish I could take it back.
But there’s no way to take away the things you’ve done. You can apologize, you can repent, you can promise not to do it again, but what’s done is done. Even God can’t erase your sins, no matter what the bible says. See, in the darkest hours of the night, it’s all still there.
Unforgiven.
I drink because there is no way to forgive the things I’ve done. There is no way to make it all okay again. Sometimes it’s nice to take the edge off of that little bit of knowledge.
I drink, when I drink to make thereality of my life take a step back. I can’t always shoulder the burden.
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Comments & Trackbacks
I hope that with tomorrow morning’s light you’ll realize that:
1) It always takes two to tango—you’re responsible but not for EVERY HORRIBLE THING; and,
2) You’re being awfully hard on yourself.
Oh, I forgot one:
3) You know where to find me if you need a shoulder. I (heart) you.
xoxo
Z,
Hopefully the pain you poured out is less intense without the alcohol.
I feel for you, brotha. I’ve shared similar thoughts at times and they can be a bitch.
Anytime you need an ear or anything, I’m around. I’m probably hitting Denver in July/early August. Let’s get a beer.
From one who has done a lot of crying in the carpet and had a few sins of my own, you’ll make it. I am not exactly a new friend or good friend but you are right sometimes life is a b*. Sometimes you are a b*. Sometimes others are b*es.
And sometimes you just need to b*.
Sins can be forgiven but the real in this world consequences are a b*.
In real life I say b* without the *.
It seems like what you were wisely pointing to while drunk is that our actions can profoundly affect someone else...and all the mantras and nice things can’t easily erase those affects.
Even drunk your mind doesn’t shut off. I don’t know if this post was brave or desperate or what but I do know I can relate to you more… and at the risk of sounding like a pious b* ... I am praying for you.
I don’t know if the way I deal with my dark secrets is healthier, but I think it works for me: “If you ain’t got regrets, you ain’t lived.”
Y’all are too kind. It wasn’t either brave or desperate--more like sad and a little pathetic, I’m sure.
And, yes, McGehee, if you ain’t got regrets, you ain’t lived.
Corey, when you get back in town, we definitely have to get together. I’m looking forward to all the stories and the thoughts.
Randy, that wasn’t pious, that was kindness.
Margi, you already know how much I think of you.
So, now, let’s talk about the new Screaming Trees compilation, shall we?
Ohhh...*big cyber hug* It just breaks my heart when I read things like this. You are carrying a burden you don’t have to. That sounds simple, but that is the way it is. I don’t know you that well, but I have enjoyed reading your stuff. You have read some personal stuff about me too. God knows we all have regrets which is why he kinda set things up the way he did. Now I don’t want to sound like a kid on the beach for Campus Crusade for Christ, but you gotta give this burden to God because you were totally wrong about one thing. He does erase the sin. He takes the burdens too, but you gotta let him.
Take it from a sister who watched her brother drown his sorrows until it almost took everything away from him....stay away from the drinking. It only makes things worse. It whispers in your ear that things will be better for a little while, but it eats away at everything else in your life while you dance with it.
You need someone to talk to- I’m Rightwingsparkle AIM or MSN.
Take care sweetie.
{{{{Z}}}} You know the depth.
Zomby,
a wise man once told me something that makes incredible sense now and helps me get through life’s disappointments. Maybe it will help you a little.
“People will let you down.”
Don’t matter how you slice it, we’re all human. We all screw up. We’re all going to let each other down. Don’t be surprised, and don’t build anyone up too high to think that they won’t let you down. Sounds cynical, I know, but I think it’s really freeing. I’m free to accept people for who they are without having to worry if they’ll screw up. It’s an antidote to all those first kisses.
I know you’re sober by now, but just keep that little bit of wisdom in mind. People will let you down.
telling captcha word: analysis
Far be it from me to give you advice on drinking, but “drinking to ease the pain” seems like an unhealthy habit. Or at least seemed that way when I’ve tried it. In addition to the “we’ve all been there” comments, I’d say we’ve all been there when it comes to failure. Life is mostly failure. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Of course, that hasn’t been my experience, because I do everything perfectly the first and every time. But I’ve heard many other people make mistakes
(Captcha word “not”, hah.) Just want to end on a lighter note. Cheer up!