The not quite Zombified instant translation of the GOP candidates in South Carolina will commence in a bit. I’ll post a new update whenever they break for commercials, I’ll promise to include as many spelling errors and grammatical mistakes as I can, and I promise to be even less fair than your daily news channel. Because I can.

Let the debating begin! In, ummm, about fifteen minutes…

Well, that was a lovely and respectful reading of the national anthem. Lovely work, country folk.

For those who are more interested in the ResurrectionSong House Band, the debate is moving below the fold. Welcome Instapundit flock. I’ve missed you. If you would like to know why I support Fred Thompson for President, you can read my reasoning here. And mock me, if you feel so inclined.

Brit: Debates now with extra Ron Paul. Welcome others.

Recession
Romney: Chris, we might be heading to recession, but we don’t have to if we make the right choices. As for my years in office with lax job growth, it totally wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t as bad as it looked. Lower taxes, new technology, money for R&D, rebuild the economy. Senator McCain is a dork and he hates your job and I love your job. VOte for me.

McCain: Look, I was being honest. Straight talk. That’s me. My catch phrase. Some jobs go away for good, so we need to train people for new jobs. Spend a little more money. No recession here. Let’s spend less money (except on things like training people for new jobs) and stop sending money to those terrorist-sponsoring bastards overseas. Let’s reduce dependency on foreign oil. I’m Mr. Veto. I hate pork. I saved $6 billion on a bogus tanker deal. Or something. Call me “The Sheriff.” I like it when you call me that.

Huckabee: No recession. Unless gas and oil prices kill us. At least it kills the poor, regular folks like me who have to really watch their money. Energy indpendence: without it we’re slaves. Slaves to the oil. And the subprime mortgages. It’s everyone’s fault, but government can fix it. Health care costs and education costs can cause a recession, too. Somehow. So lower taxes, go to the Fair Tax. Yeah, that’s it.

Rudy: Tax cuts can too add to revenue, it just depends on the tax cuts. Bush, Gipper, Kennedy were all tax cutters. Me too. Example: lower corp taxes give us better revenues. Some others won’t. But that’s not the only way to deal with the recession: cut some spending, too, like I would and did in NYC and how Gipper did, too. Bad: overtaxing, overrgulating, over something, some other stuff too…

McCain: Tax cuts stimulate the economy. Let’s make Bush tax cuts permanent. People will totally like that. But it’s really about cutting spending. Gipper. I"m a Gipper Footsoldier. Gipper. My tax cut package was smarter than Bush’s.

Paul: Dude, stupid question. A goverment program of spending is bad. A gov’t program spending cuts is good. Overstimulation is bad. Artificially low rates are bad. Austrian theory of business cycles. Let’s have a recession. Fed bad. Lower interest rates. Bubble. Good lord, I’m talking fast.

Thompson: First, let’s give Rudy props for copying my tax plan. Good on ya, Rudy. Tax cuts have helped us stimulate growth, benefit the economy and raise revenue. Screw the “experts.” Consumer credit market is too tight. I trust the Fed to do the right thing on interest rates, but we can do some other things to stimulate job growth with businesses. Rebates to poor folks are a bad idea.

What happened to the Gipper coalition?
Huckabee: I didn’t say anything about the Gipper, dude. You’re high. I said I didn’t want to be Bush III. But who would? Let’s give mad love to the conservative platform of the Gipper. Thanks for giving me an opportunity to name drop the Gipper. But we need to help poor folks, too. Not just rich folks.

McCain: Gipper philosophies have died. We were supposed to kill spending, but the GOP lost its way. Bridge to Nowhere. Now, let’s talk about climate change. Climate change is bad. Which leads us to the conservative principles of the Gipper, which we need to return to. What was the question?

Abortion services
Romney: The court made me do it. I love the fetus and I have the record to prove it. Now, I want to talk about the Gipper, too, so let’s skip over your question. Washington and the GOP, in some ways, moved away from Gipper. If we can just embrace Gipperism again, we can not only win the presidency, but we can fix the economy, beat the Soviets, and make the rest of the world envious of us.

Thompson: I want to talk about Gipper, too. Dude. This is about the heart and soul of the Gipper Revolution: Huckabee wants liberal economic and foreign policies and would expand tax-funded programs for illegals. Huckabee doesn’t believe in individual rights, state’s rights, or Gipperism at all. Lying bastard. (Lots of applause.)

Huckabee: Ancient Air Force sayings tell me I’m onto something good here. Now, let’s talk about my record. My predecessor went to jail, I cut taxes, I self-aggrandize better than almost anyone you’ve ever met, I’m going to keep talking, people protested me left and right because I’m all about the Gipper (who also raised taxes). So there.

Are you a conservative?
Rudy: Gipper talk isn’t getting past me. GIpper was elected because he was a strong leader. He believed in kicking ass and lowering taxes. I worked for the man. Gipper principles would apply now, but in some different ways. I believe in kicking ass, too, and we need a strong military to take on terrorists. I believe in lowering taxes, too. Social issues are a little dicey, if I were to be completely honest, but I give us the best chance to win some places these guys won’t have a chance in.

Truthers
Paul: Oh, great, me again. Could I get some more time? I’ve abandoned Trutherism, but I’d like to talk about Gipper, too. Truthers can keep talking Truther crap if they want, too, but I’m not going to really address that. Now, Gipper is mine, too, damnit. Of course we’ve lost our way, we aren’t fiscal conservatives, we screwed up when we took control of government, we added entitlements, we killed privacy, we started nation building and policing the world, our economy sucks, and we have to borrow from the Chinese. We’ve totally lost our way. I’ve never voted to spend money from the Social Security fund, which would work just fine if it weren’t for stupid bastards spending all the money…

Passive Navy v/ Iranian boats
Huckabee: I dunno. Seemed like a good call to me. The Prez would know better. But we sure need to kick some ass on folks that threaten us. Send ‘em right to the gates of hell. Hell, I tell you. I believe that our naval commanders are good enough to make the right decisions. I trust them. And if they need to, I trust them to send bad guys to the gates of hell without our big, scary military machine of doom.

Thompson: I agree with Huck. You can’t take that decision out of the hands of the people on the ground. “One more step and I think they would have been introduced to the virgins...” They’re testing us and it’s a good insight to them. They’re frisky, but if they cross the line we will destroy them.

Rudy: The NIE doesn’t get the threat. Let’s not feel good about Iran, we can’t allow them to have nuclear weapons, and we should tighten the screws on the bastards. Let’s use this incident and a realistic view of Iran to wake ourselves up.

McCain: I would have placed my confidence in the captains of those ships and I don’t want to second guess. These are professional and capable people. Our navy has kicked ass for a long time and I trust them to continue their ass kicking ways in the future. The Iranians really are dangerous and the Prez made the right statement: we preserve the Freedom of the Sea. I think they made good decisions, but let’s not lose sight of how serious this is. Freedom!

Paul: War mongering bastards. Gulf of Tonkin. Speedboat v/ destroyer. War mongering bastards. NO MORE WAR! Was there a rush to judgment? This administration was looking for the chance. War mongering bastards totally wanted to invade Iran and they were disappointed that they didn’t have the chance. I’m cranky. And maybe a crank. Now, your question is stupid and I’m going to ignore it because even though everyone was preaching caution, I know that they were, deep in their hearts, looking for war. War mongering bastards.

Romney: Paul is a crank. Iran represents a threat and it wasn’t just some rogue elements of the nation. It was a well-considered action and we should take it as such. Iran is a problem and we need to figure it out. Let’s put some pressure on them with a big coalition. The captains did the right thing and if I were CinC, I would support their decision making. But our response needs to be more than just to this incident.

National Security, Iraq, Surge, Stuff
McCain: Democrats deny our successes. Can they win when they distort the reality on the ground? Will Clinton repent for her Petraeus comments? The terrorists are on the run, let’s keep them that way. I argued for the surge--the only one that did, and I still don’t like Rummy--and it’s working. The General should have been Time’s Man of the Year. Losers. Americans will come home as we win this and our military will come home with honor.

Palestinian State
Rudy: What will the PA do to accomplish acceptance of the right of Israel to exist, to verifiably kill off support for terrorism, and, damnit, I supported the surge, too. Don’t forget that.

McCain: No you didn’t.

Rudy: Yes I did.

McCain: I called for the change. That’s the difference.

Paul: No, the Prez shouldn’t be working for peace in the Middle East. They’d do just fine without us if we just left them alone. We’re the stumbling block and we’ve shed too much gold (heh) and oil on this stuff anyway. Why do we send money to these folks? Let’s just talk and trade. If we’d leave them alone, everything would be fine. Saddam Hussein would have been smooshed by the Arab states if we just stepped back.

McCain: I don’t want to trade with terrorists. I don’t want to travel with them: they like one way ticketes.

Paul: Saddam and Osama were our folks. It’s our fault. Terrorists are our fault. The Senator wants us to be their forever. Bring our troops home.

McCain: It’s not American presence, it’s casualties. We’ve had troops around the world for decades. It’s not about that, it’s about stopping the killing. Support our military, don’t condemn them.

Packistan
Thompson: How can anyone ever go against a poll? Please. Politicians don’t do that. Snark. I’ve visited Musharraf. Democracy there is in our interest, the government is in question, but who are you going to support if we drop our support of him? They are nuclear armed--alone in the Muslim world--and we need to keep that in mind. We need to nudge him in the right directions and we need to have him help us in our war on terror, we need to pressure him, but our security interests require that we secure the nuclear arsenal there.

Romney: Look, this isn’t checkers. It’s 3-d chess. It’s way more complex than it used to be. Secure nuclear weapons in Pakistan, fight terrorists in Pakistan, and find Osama in Pakistan. These are our interests. Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Iraq are issues, but we need to think beyond those and develop an effort to move the Islamic world toward modernity. Helping them improve economies, education, and political institutions will help us.

Huckabee: We’ve spent 12 billion supposedly to fight terrorism. We know that it wasn’t used as it should have been. We need to pressure them to provide good accountability for the aid we send, but we can’t just kick him down and ignore the potential dangers. Now, Ron Paul, what the hell is up with you? Israel is our only true ally in the Middle East. Why would we stand by and let them be destroyed? It would be reckless and I wouldn’t allow it to happen.

Paul: We should give Israel more responsibility. We treat them like a stepchild. Israel would be safer if we didn’t give them money and didn’t give Arab nations money, too. Let’s treat them like adults and they can handle themselves just find. Anyway, we don’t have money for this.

Rudy: What? Stepchild? Idiot. Israel is an ally and Israel is one of the few that we can rely on. Defense of Israel is important to the US. BTW, I think I could convince Pakistan to help us find Osama and fight the terrorists. I’m good that way.

Thompson: We trained Pakistan’s military and some of our money was supposed to go to their military. Not sure what Huck’s problem is with that.

How changy are you, and is it important?

Romney: I’m so changy that you can’t believe it. I’m going to change Washington, immigration, health care, economy, pork, earmarks, and lots of other stuff, too. People want change, they don’t want the same old business as usual Washington DC. That’s where I come in. I will kick Washington’s ass and bring all the change you can imagine.

McCain: I’m not the problem. I’m part of the solution. Surge. All mine. I can totally take credit for that. How much more changiness do you want? Never give up, never surrender! I’ve saved money, I’ve helped taxpayers, and there are some folks who went to prison that don’t think I’m business as usual. Change. Change. Change.

Huckabee: I’m going to get the job done. I won’t raise taxes. I didn’t raise taxes, I raised hope. Because I love kids. Vote for me. Sad stories about kids and roads will make you love me more. Love me enough to vote for me, I hope, especially since there were no bridges falling down in Arkansas. Life was better in Arkansas because of me.

Thompson: Sure, he signed the tax pledge even though he said it wasn’t a very good idea. He only signed it because it was politically expedient. I don’t like his record all that much, but mine is pretty good. Even when I was dealing with Clinton, I did a good job. And it wasn’t just me: you can be part of something good in congress if you communicate well with Americans. Rule of law, market economy, opportunity: these are the way you achieve the American dream. Vote for me.

Huckabee: Thompson, thanks for passing welfare reform, but it was my job to make it work. And i did. So it wasn’t about you, it was about me. And you made my life harder. Jerk.

Better CinC
Rudy: First, Democrats want to raise taxes on you. Change isn’t necessarily a good thing, it can be bad. Socialized medicine is bad. So let’s promise good changes in taxes, energy independence, school choice, stuff like that. Now, to the question: I’ve got tons of foreign policy experience going all the way back to the Ford administration. You’ve heard all this stuff before, it’s sort of boilerplate for me to talk about how I wasn’t nice to a few foreign powers here and there and didn’t take money from the Saudi prince.

McCain: I love the guy. Really do. But he doesn’t have the level of experience that I do. I didn’t do it for profit. I did it for patriotism. Which is why I’m better than all these other people.

Electability: Why should women vote for you?

Huckabee: Oh, sure, religious questions are off limits for others. But, fine, I can martyr myself. I love women. I love strong women. That bit about submission was meant for believers and I won’t try to enact it as president. I’ll just make my wife submit at home. Let’s make this into a little bit of a church service and talk about doctrine. When I talk about women submitting to men, I really mean that men should submit to women, too. To show their love. Marriage is important because it teaches us how to love 100% in submission.

Viable? Are you?
Paul: Well, you know. Yeah. Sure. I mean. Yeah. I’m a viable candidate. I’m a strict constitutionalist, I vote against spending, and I’m a strict fiscal conservative, and I like individual liberties. And you dare suggest that I’m not electable? We borrow money from China, give money to dictators in Pakistan, and go to war to protect democracy in Iraq. How is it that you suggest that I’m not electable? What the hell? So, yeah, I’m a viable candidate.

Immigration
McCain: The immigration plan failed because the American people don’t trust the federal gov’t to do it’s job properly on immigration. We need to restore that faith. I know all about illegals because they are crawling all over my home state. They get everywhere. Let’s secure the border, let’s do it humanely, and let’s not deport the wife of a serviceman who is MIA. Let’s do this right. I’m suddenly tough on immigration, but I"m not going to answer completely.

Romney: Secure borders, employer verification, stuff like that is all good. But amnesty sucks and no one should get special privileges. Illegals have to go home and get in line with everyone else. Send ‘em home, don’t give ‘em amnesty, and put ‘em in line.

Thompson: High fences and wide gates. We get to decide who comes in. Enforce the border, hold employers accountable, and kill off sanctuary cities, and we will have enforcement by attrition. If they can’t get jobs, they’ll go home. Amnesty is bad. In-state tuition for illegals is bad. Just do the damned job and things will get better.

Paul: We should enforce the laws. No amnesty. Think of this in economic terms: if you subsidize something, you get more of it. No education, no health care, no free stuff for illegals. Stop subsidizing the problem. Bring our border guards home from Iraq to enforce the laws. Because it’s Iraq’s fault.

Huckabee: Legal hispanic immigrants hate illegals, too. WHich is why they should vote for the GOP. And me. And my 9 point policy of humane touchback. They can illegally cross the border to get back just as well as they can illegally cross the border to get in. So we shouldn’t send them home so much; they’ll go home alone. Which is nice. Not messy. Very humane.

Rudy: It wasn’t that I wanted to have a sanctuary city, it’s that I had pragmatic policies about illegals reporting crimes without danger of being sent home. Which is one of the ways that I lowered crime in the city. And as for their kids, what was I supposed to do about the 70k kids of illegals? I didn’t want them on streets, I wanted them in schools. Easier to deal with. So I reported criminals, did my best, and will talk as long as I can. More border patrol, more security, more scrutiny of someone who isn’t me…