Zomby provides insta-translation.

On taxes:
Romney, raising fees doesn’t really count as raising taxes and I can name-drop Reagan with the best of ‘em. McCain Sucks. I believe Huckabee but he probably lied. Let’s lower taxes and give middle income folks a tax break.

McCain: Reagan. Reagan. Cut taxes and spending at the same time like Reagan would do. I’m a responsible fiscal conservative tax-cutter guy unlike these guys who just want to do one half of the tough job. I’m all about the veto, I’m all about fiscal sanity, and I don’t dig porkbarrel projects. Which, yeah…

Romney: Please. Bush rocks and so did his tax cuts. I’ll do even better, though, because I have a history of cutting spending and not raising taxes (except for those fees, which I’m hoping you won’t talk about anymore).

McCain: I rock. I may not be loved, but I have a better record. So there.

Huckabee: Sly dig at Romney. Nudge nudge. Romney’s my bitch. Fee bumps are too tax increases. I cut taxes all the time. I’m really good at it. “I made government work.” Screw you libertarians.

Romney: You did, too, raise taxes.

Huckabee: Well you raised more taxes in those fees.

Romney: I don’t like you. Lying bastard. I have a good record and yours isn’t as good. Did you raise taxes or not? Just answer, bitch.

Huckabee: Stop being mean to me, jerk. I made government work and did lots of stuff with those tax raises that I don’t admit to having made. So there.

Romney: Bitch.

Rudy: Dude, I recommended lots of tax cuts and enacted quite a few. I lowered the income tax rate and hotel occupancy rates, too. And some other stuff. Figures. Figures. Largest tax cu in the city. I totally refuse to let anyone else bogart this issue. Supply-sidedness is next to godliness and I want to cut more taxes, too. Slash slash slash.

Thompson: Hey, cool. Me. I never said I would cut Social Security and I’m the only one that’s put out a real plan. Everyone else just talks a bunch of shit, but I’ve given you a real idea with big changes, some privatization, and more fiscal sanity. The blue hairs might not like it, but I’m not taking anything from them. I’m just trying to make it sane. Now shut up and let me talk for a second--I’m trying to bring some substance to this, okay--here’s how I want to save 4.7 trillion dollars and how I would be willing to talk directly to the public to get it done.

Romney: Bold idea, not a good one, though. Vote for me blue hairs. But, yeah, boy, we sure should do something or other that might involve some privatization.

Thompson: Dude, were you even listening to me?

McCain: I like Fred. I like that Bush tried to do it, too. But we need another big --name drop Gipper here—pow wow with the opposition to fix this thing. Because it’s really broken. Really really broken.

On Economic Populism:
Huckabee: You love me, don’t you? Because I’m nice and I’m a lot like you and I stay at cheap hotels and gas prices hurt me, too. It’s tough to be a regular American which is why I try so hard to pretend I’m one of them. For some reason. Too much taxes, too much legislation, too much regulation, too much otheration, so let’s fix it, folks. Gipper. Gipper loves you and I do, too.

Romney: He’s a jerk. Why are you people buying into this? He wants to punish big businesses and hurt job growth. Can’t you folks see that? I mean, I’ve had some tough times, too. Do you think hair like this comes from never, ever having tough times? I can be populist, too.

Huckabee: I love businesses and I want to eliminate death.

Fred: You’re funny.

Huckabee: Thanks!

Fred: Still don’t like you, though.

Huckabee: Average Americans like me, who stay in economy hotels, resents stuff about taxes and things and, good Lord, I’m getting tired of the sound of my own voice.

Rudy: These guys don’t know how to fix economies and I do. New York City: broken before me, rockin’ after I was done. Take that, populist losers. I tied welfare to work (workfare) which worked out pretty well, yeah? Work is good. Poor people working means fewer poor people. C’mon, it’s simple. I may not ever have been one of the average or poor people, but I’ve seen them before and I declared my love for them.

Fred: Yeah, Fair Tax has some nice ideas, but I’m not sure about it in implementation. Flat or flatter tax seems like a better and more workable idea to me, though, and it has a chance of passing. Simplifying and flattening the taxes wouldn’t be such a bad idea, would it? Rudy seems to like it...hey, why the hell are you cutting me off, jerk?

Agents of Change:
McCain: I’m very changy. Didn’t like Rumsfeld, thought changes in strategy would be good. That worked out pretty well, didn’t it? Saved American lives. Campaign finance reform was extra-changy. I’m at least as changy as anyone else especially when it comes to that bit in Iraq.

Romney: Sure, he’s very changy. Washington isn’t, though, so I think Washington needs an outsider who is very changy. That’s me. I’m totally changy on health care, energy, other stuff, too. Outsiders are changier than insiders; McCain’s an insider. Unlike Rudy. Who is also pretty changy. Change, change, change. I love me some change. I’m going to keep talking until someone cuts me off. Unlike Fred, who seems to get cut off at the drop of a hat. Ha ha.

McCain: Hey, I was in the Navy and I’ve got some leadership in me, too. I’ve run big organizations. Iraq. I was right and other folks were wrong. I can be just as changy as the times require. Osama is a jerk and I will totally beat him down. With change.

Thompson: Thanks for talking to me again. This format sucks. Look, leadership is more important than clinging to a buzz word as if it were a fuckin’ life raft. You can be all changy on Social Security as you want, but what we need is someone to actually fix the problem. Good answers and good leadership communicated with the American public is all the change we need. Need some honesty. Honesty is good.

Rudy: Changy Democrats suck. My changy ideas are better.

--Break--

National Security:
Romney: I have all the experience I need to be a good national security leader. Experts are overrated. Governors are better than senators because they are better executive managers. By the way, I’m nicer than McCain and I don’t have that nasty temper. Which, isn’t that nice? We’ve got lots of tough bits coming up. In fact, life in America looks a bit like hell to me. Immigrants are coming to get you and if they don’t the bad hospitals, uneducated kids, and crappy hospitals will. Vote for me.

McCain: Maybe governors haven’t always been the best choice, though, have they? Especially the ones from Arkansas. Gipper. I know the people we’d be dealing with, I’ve been to all these places, and I have a great background for national security issues. This Romney guy didn’t even take part in the Iraq debate. He’s clueless, isn’t he? Nice guy, though. See, no temper here.

Romney: Well, I was busy with running a state, so I didn’t exactly have time for that debate, did I? I mean, I said a few things here and there. Token criticism. American intelligence services surely do suck. I lived up to my responsibility in running a state. Can’t really talk about Iraq much, though, because I’ve pretty much exhausted my knowledge. Good managers are better. Gipper.

Huckabee: I’ve been to lots of countries and I can even name some of them. When I can’t name them, I’m pretty comfortable with a more general regional view of my travels. I have more experience as a manager than anyone else here. Time magazine even loved me and we improved Arkansas in all sorts of big ways and I’m going to avoid the question again for as long as I can. Maybe I don’t know everything, but I won’t let facts stand in the way of my convictions. Patriotism, God, and nicely sculpted eyebrows will help me gain the presidency and really, really big boots will crush our enemies. Which kicks ass. I love everyone. Even these people at the table. Maybe not the Mormon. Still working on that. I really don’t have much to say about this, though.

Rudy: New York City is big. I did a pretty good job as Mayor, didn’t I? I mean, I’m the only one here who actually dealt with a big Islamist attack, aren’t I? I’ve negotiated international agreements before and have been involved with anti-terrorist stuff since the 70’s. I was mean to Castro and some other real jerks, too, and told that Saudi guy to shove his big check right up his ass because I totally don’t like bad guys. Which would make me a good president.

Thompson: Romney thinks expertise counts in everything except national security. Which is weird. Terrorists are real, terrorists are scary, and we need experts. Yeah, I could talk about countries I’ve travelled to and stuff like that, but, basically, I’ve got lots of experience and that experience counts. Huckabee is wrong, too: our foreign policy isn’t arrogant, I don’t want to import terrorists into the US from Guantanamo. And, on health care, Ted Kennedy likes you, doesn’t he, Mitt?

Huckabee: Guantanamo. I’ve visited prisons. Guantanamo was too nice, but I wasn’t talking about closing it because it was bad, per se. I was talking about closing it for some other vague reason that I can’t exactly get across to your simple minds.

Thomson: WTF?

McCain: I could totally nail bin Laden to the wall. Yeah. No problem. Lots of military folks and national security experts like me and that makes me better on this issue than the other folks at this table. I’ve got the experience, I’ve got the respect. I rock.

Immigration:
McCain: No, I don’t believe in amnesty. It just sort of sounds like that when you think about it some ways. In other ways, it looks like something else entirely. For some reason. Look, this is my weakest issue, but I don’t support amnesty, but we sure should do something to solve this problem and secure our borders. Humane, compassionate, secure decisions will fix this problem somehow.

Romney: I’m pretty strong on this issue. Let’s hammer McCain for a bit because it is so amnesty. He even called it amnesty a while back. And amnesty is bad because it attracts more of the wrong people.

McCain: Romney didn’t even think it was amnesty back in 2005. Totally thought it was cool back then. I don’t know what his problem is now, but my plan is still a pretty good idea. Earned opportunities aren’t amnesty. So there. Let’s stop talking about me, okay?

Huckabee: People who are living here illegally should hold their heads up high. I think. But there should be a fence and there should be a touchback, and I don’t like Mitt Romney. He’s an asshole. I don’t want to talk about the hypocrisies or vagaries of my plan. Mitt’s such a jerk. These people love their families, they’ll take their kids home, then they’ll be all legal and come back legally, and we can all love them like we love everyone else. Gipper gave us amnesty one, but even Gipper makes mistakes.

Rudy: I had to deal with immigrants in a practical way when the feds couldn’t deport enough of the 400,000+ illegals in the city. I think that we did our best. Gipper made mistakes just like the rest of us, but who has the best plan now? Me. Walls, ID cards, secure borders, visiting workers, tax-payers, comprehensive solutions, but secure the border first.

Thompson: I don’t really like Huckabee on this issue, either. I’ve been dealing with this for a long time and I’ve been consistent about it, too. Will bad policies encourage a new generation of illegals to come to the US in dangerous ways, suck the life from our entitlement programs, and screw up our education systems, and it pisses me off when leaders in Mexico encourage their citizens to cross the border illegally. We need some better idea.

--break--

Mean Campaigns
McCain: Look, I don’t think attack ads work and I’m trying not to say mean things about Mitt. Don’t make me. I’m trying to run clean and positive and I think people like that better. K?

Huckabee: Mitt’s a jerk. Close to being a liar, too. I mean, I could have been all sorts of mean to him, too, but I wasn’t. Totally took the high road. Which is why I won in Iowa. Because Mitt’s a jerk. If everyone was just like me, we’d all be better off.

Romney: I haven’t been that bad. Most of my ads aren’t mean. Anyway, these aren’t really attack ads, they are ads that accurately describe people’s records on issues. I thought McCain wasn’t really nice in one of his ads. Huckabee’s guy wanted to kick my teeth in. C’mon, how nice are these folks?

Huckabee: Romney isn’t telling the truth. Or at least he’s not telling the whole truth. Which is close enough. He’s distorted my record and I don’t like it and I won’t apologize for the kicking him in the teeth thing. I got re-elected, didn’t I? I must have done a pretty good job.

Romney: Other folks flip-flop, too. Which isn’t about flip-flopping so much as changing their minds because they realize that they were wrong. So I’ve flip-flopped on some big, Republican issues recently when i decided to run as a conservative, but that’s more like coincidence than anything else.

Rudy: My baggage isn’t as big as advertised. A few mistakes, sure, but I have a good overall record. Welfare. Economy. Security. I’m not perfect, but I’m a good leader and I’ve done good things. I learn from my mistakes and I don’t make them again. Vote for me. I’m clean.

McCain: I’m not running for an eight year term, but I’m not going to make any promises. Gipper was older than me when he won the cold war. I’m vigorous and strong. What’s the problem?

Huckabee: Yep. Let’s not tag him on that. I’ve met his mom.

Why should voters
Rudy: I’m good at this, I’ve been tested, I get results. I’m good with working with Democrats, I know what it’s like to deal with compromise to achieve a lot. I fixed New York, I can deal with America’s problems.

Thompson: I’ve never lost an election, I can communicate with voters well, I have a good background, I have a good conservative history, I’m totally pro-life, and I’m honest. I don’t mind standing alone when I’m right. I’m not here for myself, I’m here to help make the US better, and I think I can do that.

Huckabee: Because I’m just like you. Poor. Like Abe Lincoln would like. The GOP rocks--which, somehow, makes me pretty cool, too. I’ve got lots of practical experience and I can solve problems. Honest.

Romney: I want to help the country be better. I’m terribly concerned. Challenges. Opportunities. Change. American spirit. Empty talk. Fix stuff. Very changy. Empty talk. Schools. Health care. Jihad. Bright future. Somehow. I’ve been leading successfully doing a variety of things for a long time.

McCain: I love America, but America needs good leadership. I offer that leadership, experience, and honesty. It’s a tough road, but I think I’m a good choice to lead us. Thank you, New Hampshire!

The end.