Went to Costco today. I’m out of food and need more socks and underwear. I was pretty much done and just roaming the aisles when I found myself in the Depends section. While my right brain was going “get the hell out of here before anyone sees you,” my left brain was, oddly, inspired.

"You know, these things just come in your basic Huggies plastic white. They should make them in colors and throw some lace around the edges for the women.” It didn’t stop there. “You know, I bet a nice black silk & lace thing would sell like hotcakes.” There’s more. “You know, a French-cut bikini Depends isn’t undoable. Even leaky baby boomers want to feel sexy every now and then. And, why shouldn’t they?”

“Wait, wait! I’ve got it! Thong Depends!”

It was at this point I realized it was time to just get the hell out of there. Not before wondering, though, if crotchless Depends would be possible. (Remember, you heard it here first, I want my cut.)

When at Costco I always get a Polish Dog and coke, and so after checking out I headed for the food court. With my dog and coke paid for and in hand I went in search of a table. I settled on the one that the cute Costco girl was just finishing cleaning. (I’ve never actually seen anyone clean a Costco table before. It’s nice to know the dried on food and stains are only a day old.) I ended up right behind a kindly old couple, quietly talking with each other. I guessed they were talking about their grandkids. As I put down the dog and coke I wondered if granny would go for my feel-good Depends idea.

Must stop thinking about Depends.

I sat down, unwrapped the Polish Dog and just about had the thing in my mouth when my eyes caught something

Oh. My. God. CRACK! Yes, the old man was showing crack.

The alarm bells went off. BONG! BONG! BONG! AVERT EYES NOW! AVERT EYES NOW! Unfortunately, my eyes averted right on to my Polish Dog. Aaaaaaaccckk! The dog is the same color as the—crack!

Like a fly to a naked light bulb (you did read The Fly post I linked up there, right?) my gaze went right back to the crack. Noooo! BONG! BONG! I averted my eyes again and my gaze settled on the cute Costco girl, still cleaning tables. I wondered if she had seen the crack. I hoped not. She was too young and sweet to see such hideousness.

As peace, calm and goodness were slowly restored hunger overcame the aforementioned “obstacle” and I commenced to eat my Polish Dog. I managed to not look at it, or it again. The old couple got up a few minutes later. As crack daddy pulled up his pants (a little late buddy!) my thoughts returned to the thong Depends:

“Bad idea. I really don’t want grandma getting all frisky and shaking her booty at me.”

I completed my Costco trip without further incident.