Monday, January 07, 2008
iTase Me, Bro: Stun Me With Your Bad Taste
Take a Taser, make it fabulous, and give it a gig of memory with which to store the musical screams of the Tased, and what do you have? That’s right: a really bad idea.
The company today is unveiling a leopard print TASER(r) C2 personal protection and its TASER Music Player, which combines a TASER holster and and am MP3 player.
Naturally, the new weapons are being showcased in Las Vegas. “The 1GB TASER MPH allows for both personal protection and personal music for people on the go,” the company says. “Red-hot red” and “fashion pink” are two more new colors the company plans to reveal.
It’s electric. Boogie woogie woogie.
Comments & Trackbacks
That may just be the greatest thing I’ve ever seen that didn’t have boobs.
You’re getting one for your wife for her birthday, aren’t you?
Yeah but just your basic black. Nothing tacky.
I’ve always admired your restraint…
Will it give the user a jolt if they play a heavy metal tune? Or does it just play Olivia Newton-John tunes when you need self-defense?
It has a couple different settings. Set Taser on “Irritate” to play Olivia Newton John songs. Set Taser on “Stun” to play B-52’s “Love Shack”. Set Taser on “Destroy the Soul” to discharge the entire New Kids on the Block catalog directly into the brain of Evil Doers.
I think you meant “Taser C2: Electric Boogaloo.”
(And if you didn’t, you should have!)
There are limits to my cruelty.
1) Well, we know it’s not from Apple, because it’s not in white.
2) How much is the version with GPS? (Because, why not?)
My laugh went snickersnort.
I’m a little worried that the MP3 sound quality might degrade while you’re frying your attacker; can somebody find me a review that addresses this? And what about the battery life—will you still be able to listen to “The Ride of the Valkyries” after putting the assailant on the ground?
Because if not, I mean, what’s really the point?
You know, I got to thinking about this on the commute home, and this would be better than a shoe phone. (For one thing, the wires from your headphones to a shoe phone would be really annoying.)
Now, if it were a Bluetooth-enabled shoe phone, maybe a black oxford (leather, of course, Corfam is a bit gauche*), then the decision would be a bit more difficult.
Still, I’d probably rather put the MP3 player in the bottom of a ban-period, double-stack, ten-round magazine for a .45. There should be plenty of room (though the shock mounting would have to be done competently).
* Not that there’s anything wrong with being left-handed, precisely, mind.
That does raise the question of what do you put on your Taser’s playlist. “Happiness is a Warm Gun”? Or perhaps my own song I Am A Laser modified with the appropriate lyrics?
Okay, that’s a damned fine idea. Before I go to bed, I must come up with my perfect Taser playlist.
Ride the Lightning by Metallica leaps to mind. Electric Crown by Testament. Anything by AC/DC really.
Taser playlist?
Shock the Monkey
Venus, by Shocking Blue
Friends Electric, by Gary Numan
Free Electric Band, by Albert Hammond
Electric Funeral: Black Sabbath
Electric Requiem: Queensryche
Electro Lux Imbroglio: Steve Miller Band (granted, that’s sorta an intro into the next track—Sacrifice. Dunno why it’s a seperate track/title)
Electric Cafe: Kraftwerk
Electricity: Talking Heads
Low Spark of High-heeled Boys?
In honor of this particular taser, Leopard-skin Pillbox Hat: Bob Dylan
Hmmm, some tunes by Def Leppard?
Anything by The Electric Light Orchestra
Anything by Michelle Shocked
Wasn’t there a band called Sparks?
I totally shot a snotrocket at the screen of my brand new laptop.
I’d bill you, but it was SO worth it.
Boogie woogie woogie.
Signs, by the Five Man Electrical Band
Lightning Strikes, by Lou Christie
Smokestack Lightning, by Howlin’ Wolf
Vigo Bay, by Minotaur Shock
Court and Spark, by Joni Mitchell