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Sunday, December 10, 2006

Do it for the Planet. Do it for the Children. (Updated)

The damned, evil cows are a menace to our country; really, a menace to the world.

A United Nations report has identified the world’s rapidly growing herds of cattle as the greatest threat to the climate, forests and wildlife. And they are blamed for a host of other environmental crimes, from acid rain to the introduction of alien species, from producing deserts to creating dead zones in the oceans, from poisoning rivers and drinking water to destroying coral reefs.

If each and every one of us would make an effort to eat more cow, then the evil can be stopped. We can stop the bovine evil-doers from destroying “climate, forests and wildlife”, we can beat acid rain once and for all, and we can stop our alien overlords right in their pseudopod prints. If we all pull together as Americans, we can win this War on Bessie.

Whether it be a filet at the local steakhouse, a burger at McDonalds, or that special leather “Gimp” outfit from a nearby S&M outfit, there is something that each and everyone of us can do to make the world a safer and better place.

In a war between us and the cows, I’ve made my choice.

Update: Kindly linked by Dean Esmay who has this question for us:

What will you say to your grandchildren when they ask you what you did in this grand conflict, this generational challenge?

Indeed. And heh. In fact, indeedeheh.

Update Some More: Also linked by Kate, who doesn’t say enough to deserve an “indeedeheh”, but does earn thanks for showing good taste and a sharp eye. Brilliant linking, I say!

Comments & Trackbacks
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You, sir, are a piker. I live in Cow Eater County, Georgia—where we take this kind of thing very seriously.


on Dec 11 2006 @ 06:44 AM

You, sir, are a true patriot; eating cows on the front lines of the war.

I applaud you.


on Dec 11 2006 @ 06:51 AM

Must kill evil cow king in secret level of Diablo II.

on Dec 11 2006 @ 10:20 AM

War is bad. We should LOVE the cows. We should be asking ourselves what we did to make the cows hate us, and how we can change our culture so that the cows will stop emitting their Methane Blasts of Justice.

Oh, and hey, could someone come over and beat seven kinds of hell out of me for saying that? Thanks.

on Dec 11 2006 @ 12:52 PM

I always said that if God wanted us to be vegetarians, he wouldn’t have made cows taste so good.

on Dec 11 2006 @ 01:34 PM

Sign me up. And sign up my daughter, as well. She is the proud owner of a button that reads, “Vegetables aren’t food. Vegetables are what food eats.”

on Dec 11 2006 @ 02:19 PM

I think that goes:  If god did not want us to eat animals, Why did he make them out of meat?

on Dec 11 2006 @ 02:23 PM

And if shopping for a motorcycle, please consider a Cowazaki.

on Dec 11 2006 @ 03:30 PM



Wheels, having met your daughter, I’m not at all surprised that she’s on the right side of this struggle. I applaud her. In fact, I applaud all of you for being so willing to come together, regardless of political affiliation, and support my call for a tasty, flame-broiled judgment day for our bovine enemies.

on Dec 11 2006 @ 06:04 PM

You’re all a bunch of speciesist primate-centrics!

I sob for our bovine sisters!

on Dec 11 2006 @ 06:23 PM

Unpatriotic cow lover.

But not in the gross way.

on Dec 11 2006 @ 06:38 PM

I’d say that the IPCC is discrediting itself, but its done that so often that its got little left.

on Dec 11 2006 @ 08:41 PM

Moo? Phlphpllllphffff.

I send methane in your general direction.

on Dec 11 2006 @ 09:13 PM

Actually, I’m an omnivore. I’ll eat just about anything that doesn’t run away from me faster than I can chase after it. Unfortunately for me, I have a bad knee which severely cuts down my acceleration.

On the other hand, fortunately for me, rump roast can’t run very fast. Nor can hamburger, flank steak, spare ribs, or any other cuts of meat.

But take comfort, Robert. I do not focus my attention on your bovine kindred. Quite the contrary, I will eat literally anything I can catch. Lamb chops don’t run fast. Nor do Memphis-style pork barbecue, pan-seared rainbow trout, shark steak, clam chowder, venison roast, buffalo burgers, or General Tsao’s Chicken. Of course, none of those really cut the methane production, but most of them do cut down on the food supply available for methane production. So seeing as how they’re also yummy and delicious, it’s a win-win situation for me.

on Dec 11 2006 @ 10:42 PM

I have changed my mind and have publicly denounced you as a counter-revolutionary.

on Dec 12 2006 @ 07:55 AM

Awwww, you still think McDonald’s burgers are made from beef.  That’s cute.

on Dec 12 2006 @ 08:24 AM
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