Monday, July 18, 2005
And This is Important
The number of idiots on the road per mile driven seems to be rising lately. Maybe it’s summer bringing the tourists. Maybe the hot weather has collectively broiled the brains of Denver drivers. Maybe everyone is just distracted by the summer dresses.
Whatever it is, here’s an important message: turn on your brain and focus when you drive.
To the little old lady going 15 mph in a 40 mph zone. I realize that from your diminished vantage point, it’s probably hard to see the road. I realize that your reflexes, eye site, motor control, and will to accelerate aren’t what they used to be. I realize these things and I do sympathize.
But maybe it’s time to give up the old drivers license. Your wandering across lanes and your ridiculously slow rate of travel are going to cause an accident. It will happen in slow motion (unless you mistake the accelerator for the brake some day--and then very bad things will happen).
To the guy driving a silver Jimmy with Kansas plates down the frontage road onto I-70 this morning, you should know that stopping at a green light in the far left lane to make a right hand turn across traffic is never a good idea. If ever there were an argument for road rage, you just shared it with the class.
Doing it once made you an ass. Doing it twice made you an asshole.
Just so you know.
It’s just lucky that forward mounted rocket launchers aren’t actually legal in this state.
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Did he really do it twice?
Honest to God. The first time he did it, I was turning left and he held up a line of six or seven cars in his lane while waiting for traffic to pass him by in the right hand lane. Then, when it was finally clear, he made his right hand turn.
I ended up right behind him following all the way up to a light where I needed to make a turn left to get onto the highway--he literally coasted to a stop while the light was still green, finally turned and crossed another lane to pull into a parking lot to the right. Of course, by the time he was out of my way, the light had changed and I was still sitting there wishing for divine retribution.
Twice within the space of just a few minutes.
At that point I’d want to beat him until he paid attention, then teach him the hold-your-hands-out, now-which-one-is-an-L? trick.
Dude, you have no idea.
Bad drivers. Where to begin?
You should be ready to go when the light turns green. See, that left turn signal is not all that long and I sorta have to get to work. I mean, the minute or so t takes to sit through ANOTHER round of lights is not really that big of a deal, but it’s the principle of the thing. Put your damn car in gear and BE READY! The alertness of my fellow drivers can shave five valuable minutes off my route to the freeway.
If you are getting on the freeway you should SPEED UP! For God’s sake you’re GETTING ON THE FREEWAY! The on-ramp is no place for timid drivers!
The cell phone thing is an obvious one, but somehow, when you encounter THREE soccer moms on your way to the freeway and they are all going way below the speed limit chatting up a storm and missing lights, not using turn signals, it’s worse and it makes me want to run them off the road.
In California, if you spot distracted drivers on cell phones, eating, putting on makeup, shaving, reading, impeding the flow of traffic, etc. You can call their license plate into the California Highway Patrol non-emergency number and BELIEVE IT OR NOT, the CHiPs will call the owner and gently chastise them. I shit you not. (It’s like the 1-800-CUT-SMOG number you can call to report heavy polluters. – Not that I’ve ever called. Ok, once. I called once! It was too egregious a violation.)
I still can’t think of CHiPs without thinking about the cheesy, late-seventies cop show. Not that that’s a bad thing.
Anyway, yes to those complaints, too. Extra-specially for the slow highway mergers who back traffic up behind them and make it just that much harder for everyone to merge safely. Freakin’ safety hazard is what that is…
They’re cheesy until they pull your ass over, step of their bikes, and write a ticket.
What’s a frontage road?
It’s a road that goes along beside a highway where local streets feed in and it ultimately ends up with an on ramp to the highway.
Back before blogs became as widespread as they are now, there was a guy out in CA who had one that chronicled the “driving a--hole of the day” or something similar. He commuted a rather long distance over northern CA interstates every day (I forget the details), and frequently posted pictures of the jacka-- things prople did to him or in his presence while commuting. That there was a hysterical website. IIRC, he discontinued it when he got a new job and his commute was reduced to a few miles of country back roads.
There has been such a noticeable increase in absolutely horrendous driving here in the NYC metro area lately that I’ve been seriously considering starting new blog in the tradition of that guy. This would be easier than ever these days, with the proliferation of camera phones....
Oh, man, I vaguely remember that guy.
Yeah, it would be a lot easier to accomplish that goal now. And here in Denver, it isn’t just the camera phones, it’s the greater opportunity for finding people being jerks.
Yeah, well, I don’t why people are even required to take the driving portion of a test in Utah. I cannot tell you how many people pull out in front of me- and I am going the speed limit of 57- when the road was perfectly clear for miles behind me. Then said drivers decide they don’t necessarily want to go the speed limit and so go about 35.
I will say that having young, impressionable ears in my van keeps my comments to a minimum, at least the ones that I say aloud.
Heh- Z, your description reminded me of the lil’ ol’lady on Ferris B.’s Day Off. :D
Speed limit of 57? Did Utah switch to metric without telling me?
Maybe you could install a forward-mounted rocket launcher and then use an “I haven’t been sleeping, I thought these were legal now” defense?
Back before blogs became as widespread as they are now, there was a guy out in CA who had one that chronicled the “driving a--hole of the day” or something similar.
That sounds like the no-longer-active The Atlanta Roadways Digest. This guy used to feature a TARD of the month in addition to his regular stuff about trying to survive on the highways of metro Atlanta, but he stopped running the site a while back. It was fun while it lasted, though.
Ummmm....
Wait, why would Utah need to tell you, Matt?
Utah used to tell me everything. But it hasn’t been the same since I slept with his little sister.