It’s good that American Idol starts with Ian “The Dancing Queen” Benardo tonight. It restores faith in the value of mocking those desperately in need.

With his idiotically inflated sense of self, rudeness, and stupendous lack of talent, Benardo must be somebody’s idea of a joke. Honestly, he is why I like the mean parts of the show at times: this oddly xenophobic young man really needed the kind of verbal slap that only someone like Simon can provide.

On the other hand, Sarah Burgess needs therapy more than she needs a ticket to Hollywood. Her “daddy doesn’t love me” issues and speed dial tears far outweigh her marginal talent. Which doesn’t make her post audition tears endearing or heartwarming; it makes her more of an object of worried sympathy. Like many of the contestants, she could probably use a few years of growing up before she tries to launch a singing career.

Aside: Maybe Greek singing and dancing competitions are so different from their American competitions that cultural exchange isn’t possible. At least, that’s the polite view of a certain audition this evening…

Which, bad Greek entertainment is a poor way to lead into Ashanti’s desperation play for a trip to Hollywood. Her impressive, melodramatic monolog was certainly long, but just as certainly ineffective. How often do contestants shoot their last shred of dignity away with that kind of a begging performance? Admittedly, most aren’t as earnest or as long-winded, but the belief still seems to be that you can beg your way to Hollywood.

Darling girlfriend notes that the final look that Ashanti gave as she left the room made it seem as if the woman had just broken up with Simon. Which is either funny or disturbing, depending on your point of view.

Read the rest at iHatePaula.com. Or don’t if you really hate the American Idol stuff.