Gary Gygax has died. Brett Favre has retired. Ohio has voted. And Forsberg is skating tonight.

On a night like this, can American Idol truly matter?

When Luke Menard sings Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” with such a ridiculous, high school vocal, the answer has to be no. C’mon, that was hideous. Randy thinks it was okay. Randy was wrong. Paula liked it and says that he has a lovely instrument. Because Paula is stupid and creepy. Simon is the only one who maintains even a shred of critical dignity by telling Luke that he won’t make the final twelve much less win this competition. Go Evil Simon!

Luke is a lovely guy, but do you know anyone who would buy his albums? Didn’t think so.

I still hate David Archuletta. Sincerity, apparently, really rubs me the wrong way; and he tries so hard to be sincere. With Archuletta singing, Phil Collins’ “Another Day in Paradise” becomes even more bland than the original. Whatever. Randy thinks it was just okay because even he can’t keep the love fest going all the time. Paula loves the imperfections because it proves the little feller’s perfection. Or something. Simon wasn’t particularly impressed and called it a bit gloomy. The others agree. Lighten up, you little jerk.

Of course, Archuletta goes for a statement about homelessness to justify his choice.

I hate this kid.

Can Danny Noriega survive the naughty language and overt-queeniness of this little video? I hope so, because this is way more interesting than the other bit of hilarity that happened this week (more on that later). I have to say that “Tainted Love” is a good choice lyrically, although not so much from a standpoint of performance. The mild injection of funk isn’t all that funky. Sad.

Randy loves it and hates it all at the same time. He’s just a bundle of complicated critique, isn’t he? Paula just loves that “he’s a bright light in this competition” and thinks that he has great vocals. I love that the stupid Paula has returned. It makes the show so much more fun. Simon wishes that she would stop talking about irrelevancies. Like, apparently, Noriega, who he calls “useless.” Simon will be fun tonight.

If he liked girls, he really would have a chance to be this year’s Sanjaya.

AI scandal number two, David Hernandez is up next. Which is nice since I can bundle these outbound links together. I think he’d make a great stripper. And that’s good for him, because he has zero chance of winning. His voice isn’t so hot, I don’t know the song, and I was too bored to even try to figure out what it was.

Randy gives a little love. A little more than it was worth. Paula gives him lots of love. Maybe she wants a lap dance or three. Simon is nicer than I would be.

The lovely Michael still charms with his looks and accent, but he hasn’t had a particularly good vocal moment in quite a while. “Don’t You Forget About Me” is one of my utter favorites from the 80’s--gorgeous freakin’ song. He should be able to do this one well, but he doesn’t. He’s more limited vocally than some of the others in the show and his performances are tremendously uneven.

Shoulda been better. Wasn’t.

Randy thinks that it’s an INXS song. Idiot. Simple Minds should be pissed. Paula heaps praise on the guy but says damned near nothing about the vocals. Simon is, again, nicer than I would be. Calls the guy a huge talent, says he needs to pick better songs.

Aside: The honorable thing for Clinton to do at this point would be to bow out of the race. Bahahahah. Clinton. Honor. Bahahaahahah.

Can guitar-slinging David Cook make Lionel Richie’s “Hello” anything like cool? G-phrase doesn’t think so. I say it was a game effort that hit just wide of the mark.

Brave to tackle that song, mangle it, and give it a contemporary twist.

Randy loves all over it. Paula wants another lap dance. Simon loved it, too. He really should be on the show next week.

Here comes Castro and his big dread head. Tackling “Hallelujah"--popularized by Jeff Buckley and written by Leonard Cohen--is truly brave. Being compared to Buckley’s soaring vocals is a given, and it’s hard for anyone to come out looking great in that comparison. Castro certainly doesn’t. He can’t hit the notes.

But it was a pretty strong take given his vocal limits. You simply can’t beat Buckley on that song, but this was pretty. I love the song choice big time.

Randy pretty much agrees. Paula should shut up. She’s babbling a lot tonight. A lot. Simon loves the song, too--then, who doesn’t--and he gives Castro big ups for the performance.

Can Chickezie keep the streak alive? Last week was a good one for him. This week, singing “All the Woman I Need,” he’s just okay. Not particularly bad, hopefully good enough to stay in it, but nothing notable.

Randy says nice things. Paula babbles needlessly. Has she been hitting the pill bottle again? Simon says that covering a song that Whitney Houston did is a bad idea and that he didn’t do so well, anyway. Then Randy asks the audience to shout him down.