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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

American Idol: It’s a Long, Long Ride

I’m back again, talking about the Idol, mocking Paula Abdul, generally agreeing with Simon, and wondering how much longer Scott can stay on the show.

This week, they’ll be showcasing current music. Man, what would I give to hear someone sing Mark Lanegan’s song “Resurrection Song.” Just sayin’.

Carrie Underwood Country music for the masses.  When it comes to performing, she still looks a little funny. She can’t dance, but her body continually wiggles in odd ways. I don’t know the song, I don’t like the song. She sounded okay, I guess.

Whatever. I was bored. The “let’s get up close and personal” opening with her weepy mother was a serious annoyance. Go away.

Wow, even Paula didn’t like the performance that much. Apparently my minor bit of praise was overstated.

Side note: Clay Aiken, wearing those clothes, must be advertising something. I mean, that was a rainbow of colors on display.

Bo Bice Bo’s girlfriend is exactly what you’d expect--and that’s not a bad thing. Cute in a very Alabama way. I’m also pleased that he name-dropped Anthrax. Now, sing something that doesn’t suck, bud.

Hmm. I dunno. The song didn’t do much for me, but it suited him well. It was a really good performance of an decent song. Yeah, he’s definitely hitting his stride (although he was better last week).

Side note: Is it just me or does XXX: State of the Union look like a complete waste of time? I mean, to be honest, I didn’t really like the first one, but when you step down from Vin to Ice (Cube, not T), you might be taking a step forward in comedy delivery, but you’ve taken a hell of a step down in action star cred.

Vonzell Whatserface Wow. What a freakin’ boring song. I mean, I’m feeling like I’m at the high school graduation where one of the more talented (and, no doubt, she is talented--even on this bore-fest of a song, her voice has some shining moments) choir folks sings the inspirational song.

Whatever. It sounded affected and the song was bland.

Randy loved it. Paula loved it (but we already know what I think of her critical abilities). Simon didn’t think it was that great, but didn’t dislike it in the same way that I did.

Apropos of not too damned much: the g-phrase notes that Vonzell has a remarkably large bottom. It is true: Vonzell does have a freakishly large butt.

Side note: The Cingular Chewie ringtone ad made me giggle. The woman in the State Farm “I ran over my husband’s foot” makes me happy (but I still wish the ad would go away). I can’t wait for the return of Family Guy this weekend. Hasn’t That 70’s Show been on longer than the 70’s actually lasted? Or does it just feel that way?

Anthony Fedorov (Whose name I spell according to mood rather than correctness) I like his parents far more than I like the tofu kid. By far.

And when he starts singing, the feeling intensifies. Especially since he seems to be trying to emulate the hated Constantine Stare of Uncomfortable Lust. He keeps singing “I surrender,” but he doesn’t actually leave the stage.


It was a Celin Dion (?) song. No wonder I hated it.

Randy liked it. Paula liked it. Simon hated it (his words, not mine), but he thinks that Anthony reached out to his audience and gave them what he wanted.

Stupid audience.

Constantine Keep your dirty eyes to yourself, pal.


Heheh. “How You Remind Me.” I would have thought that this would be a good song for him, but it turned out to be a bad immitation, complete with kicking motions at the camera. This song is supposed to be filled with angst and pain; from Constantine we get a load of poses and “hey, ma, I’m a rock star” moves. I’m back to hating Constantine.

Randy didn’t like it, although he actually thought the performance was good. Stupid Randy.

Paula still managed to like the thing, proving her amazing lack of critical thinking skills.

Simon nailed him to the wall (with a really lame Star Wars metaphor). He also thought that it sounded like a bad immitation. Smart Simon.

Scott As Andy pointed out in the comments, you have to go look at the fun animated GIF. That’s funny, cruel stuff.

Unfortunately for Scott, I’d rather be watching the animated gif. The song was like an easy listening ice pick to the ears--too sweet, too bland, too meaningless, and too poor of a performance for me to survive more than this once. Send him home, America. It was a weak week, and his was the weakest performance.

Pure, unadulterated crap.

Bo was best, but the bar was set pretty low this week.

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The first XXX was terrible, but it at least contained the line (in Russian, with English subtitles) “Catch him fast.  Kill him slow.”

Carrie was really awful. I love Carrie, and I think she’s gone. Anthony was (sickeningly) really really good.

on Apr 26 2005 @ 05:41 PM

Have you seen the “this will haunt you in your sleep” animated GIF of thug-boy over at Michele’s place?


on Apr 26 2005 @ 05:43 PM

Errr, yeah, could you fix that link for me, bub?  You’re a peach.

on Apr 26 2005 @ 05:43 PM

Oh, jeez, that’s hilarious.

Matt, you liked tofu boy more than I did. He irritated me even more when he was really, really trying. Maybe it’s just me at this point, though…

on Apr 26 2005 @ 05:53 PM

He hit all the notes, is all. I kept expecting those big high notes to come in flat. Beth and I couldn’t figure out what he’d sing since Journey and Foreigner haven’t done anything recently.

on Apr 26 2005 @ 05:57 PM


It’s true, he did hit most of the notes.

I expected him to go all boy band on us--but Celine Dion? Man, that either took balls or it took a remarkable lack of balls. One or the other.

on Apr 26 2005 @ 06:01 PM

How you doin’, Z-boy?

I hope and pray America has sense enough to boot Scotty the Body this week. I just don’t think I can stand another week of his surly crap. Eww!

Just my $.02, of course…

on Apr 26 2005 @ 08:53 PM

Hey, Kelley--welcome back, it’s been quite some time.

Never fear: you are in an anti-Scotty zone.

on Apr 26 2005 @ 08:57 PM

Z, you have my solemn promise that should I ever decide to seek the fifteen minutes of ridicule that awaits anyone going on the show, I will sing your very favorite Mark Lanegan song (right after I down about three shots and smoke a pack, just to get that rasp to my voice....).

on Apr 27 2005 @ 08:00 AM

Heheh. Fifteen minutes of ridicule.

If I tried, it would be more of a William Hung, “perpetually haunting my life” style of ridicule.

on Apr 27 2005 @ 08:07 AM

Nadia was the only interesting one. Surely this train wreck can’t go another season.  They’ve gotten too greedy - an hour show to announce who’s kicked off?

FYI, your remark about Aiken may be close to the truth from what I’ve read.

Do you think Paula was really banging that guy?

on Apr 27 2005 @ 01:26 PM

No way will they cancel it. It’s consistently the second and third rated show (behind CSI: Las Vegas).

That said, last night’s show was teh suck.

on Apr 27 2005 @ 01:29 PM

I loved Nadia. I miss Nadia. My white trash roots (with family from the hills of West Virginia and the plains of Kansas, I can definitely lay claim to some serious white trash roots) are pretty happy that Bo is doing well, but the rest of the crew definitely sucked.

My comment about Aiken wasn’t too jokey. The first time I saw him, I thought he was probably gay, his performances and personality did nothing to dissuade me, and the colors of his shirt last night really did have a whole rainbow thing going on.

That said, I would have no idea about his sexuality--and don’t really care much. It was that shirt that caught my attention.

If Paula wasn’t banging him, you know she wanted to.

I wonder when the audience will turn on Simon and the crew? I mean, the quality of contestant was always a little iffy, the voting methodology is just ripe for accusations of abuse, and hearing the same damned thing year after year gets old. The same songs, the same “yo, yo, listen, dawg” thing is growing a little irritating.

Of course, the same people who ate up the Spice Girls and New Kids on the Block are always ready for the next slice of pre-fab musical crap.

on Apr 27 2005 @ 01:49 PM
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