Let’s have an alternative Academy Awards tonight, shall we?

We’ll dispose of the superfluous and shallow politics, the tacky dresses, the (often) boring speeches, and the dangerously unbridled masturbatory spectacle that is hundreds of millionaires patting themselves on their backs for their bravery and brilliance. I mean, not that I’m cynical or anything…

Anyway, the first award of the evening:

Most Insufferably Arrogant Film of the Year: The Fountain

This movie with admittedly amazing visuals, is like sitting through an interminable debate about spirituality and metaphysics with a bunch of humorless college students. The movie is unfocused, boring, and strangely preachy. Melodramatic is too small a word for this pretentious mess of a movie. It plodded through its relatively short running time that managed to feel like an eternity, and, honestly, I couldn’t find any significant redeeming value to the thing outside of the astounding and organic visual effects. Even Hugh Jackman, a reliable actor, became an unlikable, simpering, little, pathetic version of himself that was horrible to watch.

Audiences ignored the movie which makes me awfully happy. Poorly conceived, self-indulgent, and the biggest waste of my theater time this year. Since I don’t get to as many movies as I used to, I’m jealous about those hours that I spend in a movie theater; when something is as spectacularly bad as The Fountain, it’s hard for me to convey the level of resentment that I end up feeling.