I was in favor of skipping this year’s State of the Union address, but darling girl said we needed to watch. For some reason. So, here goes the running commentary and translation.

I just wish I had my own teleprompter to help me along…

Nancy Pelosi: For godssake, I hope he’s good tonight because careers are on the line. Oh, and welcome the President of the United States.

President Obama: Thank you. Madame Speaker, irritating faux pas machine, members of congress, some other folks who have been invited for easy political points, how’s it going?

First, I’d like you to know that all the bad stuff happened well before I got here and now it’s getting better. Which you might not have noticed with all the extra unemployment, bad economy, and stuff. Lucky for America, I ran for President and it’s getting better.

No, seriously.

So, I know you want all the hopey-changey bits and you want it quicker. You aren’t upset by the ballooning deficit or terrifying bills that my party has been proposing; you’re upset that we haven’t given you changes faster. Which is why some of you voted for a Republican who campaigned aggressively against my policies.

For some reason.

And, thank God you elected me, because I have personally never been more hopeful about America’s future than I am tonight. Which might be surprising when you think about all the extra unemployment, bad economy, and stuff. But you’re finally going to get a government that matches your decency and embodies your strength. Unlike all those bastards who have gone before.

By the way, we all hated the bank bailout. Seriously. I hated it, you hated it, everyone hated it. But, thank God for me, we did this and it made everything all better and we got most of our money back. Thank God for my willingness to be unpopular for your benefit. PS- We’re sending some gentlemen of Italian-American ancestry to get the rest. Eat the rich!

I cut taxes. For everyone. No, seriously. And I did it while extending extra jobless benefits to all the folks who still don’t have jobs. As a result, millions of Americans had more to spend on gas and stuff, which was pretty awesome. Because of us, there are two million Americans working now who would otherwise be unemployed. Which you might not have noticed with all the extra unemployment, bad economy, and stuff.

And we’re going to add some more--and thank God for that handful of jobs that $700 billion buys you.

You might not have noticed, what with the continuing high unemployment rate, but jobs are being created and it’s getting better. No, seriously. And the real job engine of America is found in small businesses--the businesses that are being abused by the big banks. Which is why I’m going to take some of the money repaid by those banks--money borrowed from your childrens’ futures--and lending it out to small businesses that are such bad risks that the banks won’t give them money. And, if I might steal an idea from my Republican opponents, let’s kill off all capital gains taxes on small business investment.

Cool, huh?

And, while I’m at it, why the heck do other countries have faster trains that us? In the most powerful nation on the planet, why can’t we have trains that go faster? That’s important, too, you know.

Clean energy. Energy efficiency. No tax breaks for businesses who hire overseas.  Strange mix of policy ideas, sound bites, and useless suggestions.

Now, back to jobs. I’m going to tell congress to make sure that they give me a jobs bill, like, now. Because while I would say that small businesses are the real growth engine of jobs in America, I want to make sure that government is doing it part to screw things up.

Speed bump of confused, disjointed thoughts that don’t make much sense, really. India, Germany, and China have fast trains. Why can’t we have fast trains, too? I won’t accept second place for America! Faster trains and job bills, now, damnit!

What was I talking about?

It might be hard, you might not like the medicine, but, damnit, you will buy what I’m selling. I’m not going to punish banks, I’m just going to bully them a little bit for their own good. The lobbyists are trying to stop the bullying, of course, but, damnit, you will buy what I’m selling.

Next, we need you guys to be more creative. Especially with speedy train technology. What the hell? Why can’t you guys solve cancer and give me faster trains and cleaner energy? Why?

Now, to buy a little conservative good will, I’m going to give you nuclear energy, some offshore drilling, and maybe a few coal plants, too. But to buy some liberal good will, I’m going to make sure that we do it while spending lots of money on green initiatives and screwing up the economy with some good, business-punishing climate change, cap and trade type bills. And global warming is real, damnit.

Next, other countries need to buy our stuff. Why aren’t they buying our stuff? Damnit, they will buy what we are selling. Next year we’re going to set a totally random goal of doubling exports and that will help create a totally made up two million jobs in America. And we’re going to do it with a magical export wand that I have in my office and a little extra deficit spending that no one will miss, anyway.

God, I love how trade protectionism plays so well on both sides of the aisle.

They will buy what we are selling. Damnit.

Education is important, too. We’re totally crowdsourcing that problem. Schools. We like schools. “The best anti-poverty program around is a world class education.” Which is why we’ll do our best to make sure that they have to go to public schools instead of choosing the best schools in their region. And to make the cost of higher education even higher, I’ll be putting more government money, bureaucracy, and control of the schools and taking direct control of the student loan industry. And student won’t have to pay so much for their loans. And I’ll do it all with a little extra deficit spending that non one will miss, anyway.

Hey, see the faux pas machine back there? I’m going to drop his name now and move right along pretending that he doesn’t exist. Because, damn, that man gets on my nerves.

Oh, and to save your house, I’m going to give you health insurance reform. You might not want it. You might not want what we’ve proposed. You might be opposed by a really big amount, but you will buy what I am selling. Damnit. And thank God I’m willing to sacrifice myself and my party to ram it down your throats regardless of how you feel on the subject.

Damnit, you will buy what I am selling. Which is precisely why we will still get health insurance reform and punish the evil insurance companies. And, while I’m at it, thank God for my wife, Michelle, for hating fat kids.

I know you don’t believe what I’ve been saying for the last year, but I’m going to say it all again. And you will buy what I am selling. It’s my fault since, you know, only a few states were getting killer sweetheart deals and most Americans were all, “Hey, what’s in it for me?” Well, let me tell you, magical reform that gets absolutely everyone the access to great coverage and lower deficits. No, seriously.

So, look at it again. I’m pretty sure you’re going to like this little baby. Runs like a top. Low miles, Cheap as hell. Now, give me my reform.

And my speedy trains, too.

Do it for America.

Sure, that extra bureaucracy would help decrease the deficit, but let’s do even more. Under Bill Clinton, we had extra money. It’s Bush’s fault. And what I spent this year was Bush’s fault, too. Which means that none of it was my fault. No, seriously. And, as a Senator, it’s not like I did much or voted for much or was really paying attention since I was campaigning pretty much the entire time, so it’s not my fault.

Anyway, to address the problem, I’d like to close this particular barn door and hope that you don’t notice the bonfire raging inside. So I’m proposing a spending freeze of minimalistic proportions and hope like hell that all the promises will buy enough votes to keep me working with a strong majority. Because Americans aren’t really paying that much attention, are they? Hell, they still like me…

Oh, where was I? Bi-partisan, very serious, going to solve it, veto, defiant refusal, restore the paygo lie, and don’t worry because I can still solve the problems and slyly insult the folks on the other side of the aisle. You know who I’m talking about: those folks who created this problem and it’s all their fault. So, let’s spend money without leaving lots of debt. Let’s try common sense, which you Republicans wouldn’t even recognize if it bit you in the ass.

I hate lobbyists. Don’t you? I’m quite fond of speedy trains, though. But, back to my point: I hate lobbyists and I’m going to bully them like I bully the banks. While we’re at it, screw the Supreme Court and I hate free political speech when it applies to some folks that I don’t much like.

I hate earmarks. Don’t you? I’ll do something about that, too. And I’m calling on congress to be completely transparent about all earmark requests in a way that I don’t feel we need to be transparent about lots of other things right before votes. But enough of that.

We need to work better together. While I’m not slyly insulting you, I’m going to call you out on leaning on parliamentary procedures that keep America from tasting the full, deep beauty of my reforms. So stop it.

Blahblahblahblahblah…

“I’m trying to change the tone of our politics.” Which is why I insult slyly. So, Democrats, remember that we have a majority that they can’t touch and we can totally ram change down their throats. And to my Republican friends, you better roll over and take it or I’m going to insult you less slyly.

Now, about national security. I know I’ve been blaming Bush for a long time, but I don’t want to talk about that anymore. I want to rise above my previous campaigns of blame and bring hopey-changeyness to the whole world. Since the day I took office, national security has gotten better. Not that I want to point the finger of blame or anything, but, yeah, it’s me and my administration.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, I promised to end the war and that’s exactly what I’m doing. Just not necessarily as fast as I first said. But the war is ending and our troops are coming home. The one in Iraq, that is. The other one is still going pretty strong. Don’t see an end to that any time soon. Oh, and I love the troops. Don’t you? Let’s give them stuff. Let’s give them lots of stuff. I’m not entirely sure what stuff, but it was a lot of stuff and a new VA and a commission that will talk about the stuff that they need and--yeah, hooray stuff!

I hate nuclear weapons. Don’t you? The Russians and I are getting rid of them and securing all those loose nuclear bits that sort of shook loose when Russia fell down. I hate North Korea. Don’t you? Not too fond of Iran, either. And I promise to speak in harsh tones about them until something happens. Something meaningful. I’ll probably point my finger at them a bit, too.

AIDs. Climate change. New this and that. More programs mentioned in passing. I love America. Don’t you? Pretty fond of Haiti, too, so hopefully we can help them out a bit.

And I like gay people. Don’t you? We’ll let them serve in the military. And I like women. Don’t you? Let’s make sure they get paid enough. And I like borders. Don’t you? Let’s do something about those, too. Wow, that’s some serious drive-by politicking, isn’t it?

Now, let’s all give America a big hug because the citizens really don’t trust us right now. They don’t recognize the importance and wonders of us. So, let’s give them a big hug and, maybe, buy them a drink.

I promised change and I’m going to deliver. Whether you want me to or not--and the Democrats better step in line whether it costs them their seats or not. Because, damnit you’re going to buy what I’m selling.

And thank God I’m here to sacrifice myself for your good.

Good Lord, this is almost Clintonian in length.

Read Vodka Pundit’s drunken take. Althouse, too.

PS- For Colorado bloggers, click on through to this post. For the others, well, we’ll just be drinking without you.

Sad.

PPS - Thank you Instapundit for undeserved (yet entirely solicited) attention.