Ryan is a jerk. He’s a big fat jerk. He’s the biggest jerk in the whole wide world. Just sayin’.

Is it odd to anyone else that they need to do a Beatles intro for the people in the audience who don’t really know who they were? What’s wrong with parents out there? Teach your kids the basics, I say.

Amanda Overmeyer is not a jerk. In case you were wondering. The weird thing about hearing her start up “Back in the USSR,” though is strange. I can’t hear the melody at all. She’s doing it straight up rock but she sounds a little breathless, the band is a bit muddy, it ended weak, and it isn’t as good as her performance last week. But the kiddies in the audience seemed to like it.

Randy things it was pitchy at the beginning, better in the middle and end, and ultimately good. Paula thought she was a little ahead of the beat and it wasn’t perfect, but she still loves her for all her potential and her lovely hair. Or something. Simon thought it was predictable, a little messy, and not so great. “You are in danger of becoming a bit boring.”

I like Amanda, I really do, but she might want to listen to the judges a bit more.

Can Kristy Lee Cook pull it together? She’s close to going home right now because she has continually underperformed in this show. “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away” is a good song for her--a song that, apparently, she had never heard before (what the hell? Seriously? )--but that could well fit her skills and personality. The mild country lilt from her voice actually fits nicely in with the song and she looks stunning. Taking Matt’s advice, she’s smartly wearing much less this week than last week--a trend that I could support if I thought she was going to be sticking around for a while. I don’t though. It was decent enough with some rough moments and she’s simply not the best singer in the world. Ultimately, bland.

Randy thought it was boring and safe and should have been better. Paula thinks she should have stuck to just doing the original version, but, gosh, she’s pretty and it was good. Really? Simon thinks she’s a bad performer ("musical wallpaper") but thought that she was better.

She looked a little battered at the end there, taking the comments from the judges, fully knowing that she’s already somewhere near the bottom of the pack.

I’m sure that David Archuleta will do better this week--unless he forgets the lyrics again. “The Long and Winding Road” returns him to the more melancholy side of the musical street, so he should be in his comfort zone and should suit his voice rather well. And it does, although he’s singing (don’t you just love the tense changes through these posts? I know I do) a little tentative and it’s one of my least favorites from the Beatles catalog. The ending seemed a little off to me, but the pre-teens in the audience are going nutty.

Randy digs it big and offers up manly love, even though he thinks that little elf boy could have sexed it up a bit. Paula. Just...yeah. Simon calls it amazing. Elf boy looks quite happy.

“We love you, David!”

Lovely little hat, Michael Johns, I admire the fact that, apparently, you actually know who the Beatles are. How the hell do you take “Day in the Life” and chop it down to one and a half minutes, though? Seems a tough job, to me, even though that’s one of my absolute favorite Beatles tunes.

Vocally, he does merely a decent job, and chopping the song down comes out kind of mixed--a little sense of it being rushed, an awkward ending, a lot of the best bits tossed (by necessity), but not as horrible as I had envisioned. Randy thought it wasn’t his best and it wasn’t the best song choice. Randy also overestimates Johns’ voice which, I believe, is more limited than these guys imagine. Paula thought he sounded better in rehearsals. Simon thought it was a mess.

Johns smartly plays the sympathy card by dedicating the song to a friend who passed away last year. I know it sounds cynical, but I believe that these performers do whatever they can to gain an edge (I know that, within certain ethical limits, I would) and this is a good week for him to try to gain a few extra votes.

Brooke White will be playing the part of David’s love interest this season. She’s adorable, she has a nice voice, she seems to be a decent person, and she smartly married another David. I consider that to be good judgement. “Here Comes the Sun” was made for her voice and, although the performance (with the mildly cheesy twirl) was a bit forced, that was still one of the better performances of an admittedly off night. What’s up with the endings tonight, though? It’s not that they are bad, so much as they are just weird.

Randy thought the performance was a little awkward. Paula liked the low tone of her voice and the yellow of the dress and the lovable girl underneath. Awww. Simon thought it was terrible all the way through and that it was a bad song choice.  Maybe I was blinded by my own hubbas, but I would be shocked if she left the show this week.

Interludinous Aside: While enjoying that little bit o’ music, can we talk about Canterbury’s Law for a moment? It’s almost a decent show, but it’s not quite there. They have obviously aimed directly at creating another House, with a mean kid taking center stage. The problem is that the lead character isn’t nearly as likable as House is--a problem that could be solved with better writing. See, House is an ass, he’s obsessive, he does horrible things, but he’s funny and charismatic, too. So far Canterbury is too in love with the bad bits to give us something likable to hold onto.

David Cook admits straight off that he’s stealing his song from White Snake’s version of “Day Tripper"--another one of my favorites. He’s smart about his thefts; he picks songs and structures that suit his voice and his strengths--and this works out well, too. Fun stuff. Could have skipped the Frampton-does-the Beatles bit, though.

Randy likes the change up that Cook brings to the show (and I agree). Paula thinks he could go sell records right now (and I agree) and thinks that the Framptonesque bit was pretty cool (and I don’t agree). Simon doesn’t think it was as good as Cook thinks it was and agrees that the Frampton bit was stupid. Amen brother. Where I disagree with Simon was about the predictability; I consider it to be consistency instead, and a smart consistency at that. It might not hurt to throw in a power ballad, though, to add a little texture to the sonic palette.

Carly Smithson makes her own case for my attentions this year every time she speaks. Love the accent. I also love her singing “Blackbird"--one of the smarter choices of the last two weeks. It gives the singer a chance for pretty vocals, big vocals, and making eyes at the camera while being quite beautiful--and she does a pretty good job of it, too. Nicely done. I imagine this will be a fan favorite this week.

Big love from Randy. Paula digs it, too, and makes smart comments (although she rambles on for far too long) and gives it a capital “F.” For fantastic, that is. Shockingly, Simon thought it was indulgent and a terrible song choice. Really? This is one of the few times where I feel that he’s not only a little wrong but a whole lotta wrong. Hugely wrong.

Returning with his big dreads of doom, Jason Castro makes “Michelle” even more boring than the original. Maybe he’s too young to get it, but when he sings this love song it’s a completely passion- and emotion-free zone. His vocals are marginal, his smile insipid, his gazing at the camera insufferable. It was seriously bad.

Randy thinks it was too subdued and he didn’t really get it. Castro agrees. Paula still thinks he’s all charming and stuff, but thinks that he’s more comfortable with his song and that he didn’t connect with the song at all. Simon thinks it’s just a weird show and wonders if it was bad to do this two weeks in a row--but he also thinks that Castro’s face “sold” the song. I agree with the first bit, but Castro’s face was part of the disaster for me.

It is true, though, that last week went really well and this week is a giant letdown.

Syesha Mercado looks all sorts of wow tonight. She was bad last week and starts out on “Yesterday” much better than she did on “Got to Get You Into My Life.” It’s not my favorite of the night--again, her phrasing doesn’t quite fit the original song structure and her voice is not one of the best of the field. But it’s a mighty improvement and should keep her in the show.

Which makes me happy because she gets prettier every week.

Randy thought it was very good. Paula loves her vulnerability and loves Paul, the guitarist. Which is nice for him. Paula, once again, loves one of the contestant’s instruments, which is all sorts of naughty. Simon thought it was her best, although he also says it wasn’t great, but that it should keep her in the competition.

Chikezie had a brilliant week last week and I hope he continues that trend tonight. “I’ve Just Seen a Face” gives him a chance to do another fun arrangement--again with a surprising touch of country and bit of aggressiveness. Maybe a little too like last week, but far from the worst of the night.

Bad harmonica.

Randy says, and I agree, that Chikezie should stick with the up-tempo stuff. He sounds better when he’s attacking the song than when he’s caressing it. Paula disagrees and likes the softer side. Simon says it turned into “Achy Breaky Heart” at the end and called it gimmicky. I don’t agree, but I see the point. Chikezie looks terribly disappointed--and it makes me sort of sad. Poor guy.

Ramiele comes at the tail end of a long night of listening to mostly mediocrities singing the classics. I’m bored before she starts and her performance isn’t close to good enough to fully wake me up.

Randy blah blah blah blah blah. Paula better than last week blah blah blah blah. Blah. Simon goes mean, but he’s closer to right. But even he descends into blah blah blah for me. They need to get rid of some of the dead wood before I start falling asleep before the show has ended.

Either Amanda or Kristy goes home this week, but it was a pretty shallow pool that the singers were playing in this time around. Sinking to the bottom isn’t that far removed from the shit floating at the top. Only a few of the songs were listenable outside of the context of American Idol Cook, Smithson, and White were fine, I actually kind of liked Chikezie, but the rest were just noise.