Wednesday, April 25, 2007

American Idol: The Pros Take Over the Show

I hope that the money and good will raised by the American Idol Gives Back episode actually goes on to do some good in the world. Because, if it doesn’t, I just wasted a few precious minutes of my life on the horrendous new charity begathon song by Quincy Jones. I couldn’t tell you whether it was the mix of vocals or just that the song was bad, but let’s just say that I didn’t enjoy the experience. I would like to think it was worth something.

Begin the March of the Stars…

Things We Have Learned from Tonight’s Show, Part 1: Ben Stiller shouldn’t sing. He’s worse than me and I’ve always set the bar low.

Now, about those singers. Melinda is safe. Which is as it should be.

Things We Have Learned from Tonight’s Show, Part 2: Apparently, I don’t actually hate Paula. While her commentary is still something approaching useless, she has had fewer outbursts of blatant stupidity this year, so she’s been much easier to tolerate. It’s also nice that she seems to have gotten in touch with her inner sense of sobriety.

Just sayin’.

Sudden, Confused Outburst Aside: Hey, that’s not Devo! Where the hell are the funny little hats? Although, the guitar is kind of nice…

Things We Have Learned from Tonight’s Show, Part 3: Dr. Gregory House just can’t pull off a British accent; I’m telling you, it just sounds fake.

I love Tenacious D. Jack Black is over the top, ridiculous, and wouldn’t know subtle if it came and yanked his wiener. But the world needs clowns and he fills the bill, beautifully.

Blake is safe, too. Woo.

Political Question Aside: If a candidate for higher office bloviates in the woods and there’s no one there to kiss his ass, will tax dollars still be wasted?

Phil is safe. Which means my boy Chris is still in the running for the boot. Which makes me happy, although I’m guessing that the departing Idolator sill be Lakisha.

Things We Have Learned from Tonight’s Show, Part 4: It’s great to see Ellen put up $100,000 of her own money to the cause. That’s an damned nice donation.

I still can’t stand Josh Groban’s singing, but the cute kids helped tremendously.

From the CIA world factbook, we can learn these things about Zimbabwe:

  1. The life expectancy is just 39.5 years.
  2. An estimated 1.8 million people in this country of less than 12 million have AIDS.
  3. The unemployment rate is approximately 80%

I mention this only to note that while the begathons can feel overly manipulative to the point of insincerity, the bald truth is that there are some parts of Africa that are every bit as needy and broken as can be imagined. Finding a way to help so many people in need--people who have been screwed by their old colonial masters, by the fickle attentions of the world, and by the general failure of post-colonial African governments to rise above tribalism, corruption, and violence to create stable, emerging nations. I’m not suggesting that anyone who reads this is somehow responsible for those ills, but that lack of culpability doesn’t mean we can’t find generosity in ourselves.

None of which makes Madonna even a little bit less irritating.

Lakisha is safe. Which totally blows my theory. I’m starting to think that Chris R really might be going home.

Things We Have Learned from Tonight’s Show, Part 5: Damn, that Elvis feller can sing.

Okay, I feel ripped off. No one is going home. Bono didn’t sing for my pleasure.

Damnit, the show starts with pain and ends with pain. Now, go use my money for good, you bastards…


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