So, Paula tripped over her dog, Barbiturate. For some reason.

None of which changes the fact that tonight is the big fight between Beat Box Boy and The Towering Giantess. Which is fun for the whole family as long as they keep their actual musical expectations somewhere on the lower side of good.

Blake’s “Shot Through the Heart” was better than the first time he sang it, but it pales in comparison to Paula’s freaky, ruffly top. Not in quality, mind you, but in a sheer, “Are you serious?” way.

Tattoo You Aside: So, there I was, wondering what tattoo I should get next. Thank God for Blake Lewis and his magical Monchichi. And thank God for Andy and his willingness to help us through all of these American Idol related questions. If we’re really lucky, he’ll post naked pictures of Jordin Sparks next.

Er, just kidding about that last part.

Speaking of Jordin and her incredible height, she sang that song that I don’t know from some show a few weeks back. She sounded pretty good with the exception of the middle and end which devolved into some tuneless, broken, shouting thing.

I"m with Simon: round one goes to Blake.

Sad as Hell Aside: I kept hoping that Annika wouldn’t really leave us. She callously disregarded my hope. Annika is a bright young woman with a great future ahead of her--and I know that she represents the future leadership of our country. Somehow, that thought makes me feel pretty good. Aside from that, though, she has absolutely brilliant taste in footwear. Good luck, Annika, we’ll miss you tremendously.

Oh, great. Blake is doing that crappy Maroon 5 song. Pardon me while I go do something that doesn’t suck…

And Jordin goes for “Broken Wing"--which makes me wonder why the hell I stayed home to watch this crap tonight. Not only does the song suck, but her voice isn’t particularly sure, nor is it particularly pleasant. She can’t connect emotionally with the song, Randy is smoking crack, Paula is still suffering the after-effects of her run in with Barbiturate, and even Randy dips into the Kool Aid.

This round goes to Blake as the proud lesser of two evils.

But I Am Excited About This Aside: I didn’t really dig the first Fantastic 4 flick. It wasn’t nearly as good as, say, Spiderman 2, X-Men, or Batman Begins, although it wasn’t exactly horrible, either. But now they have Silver Surfer.

Silver freakin’ Surfer. Which is damned near as cool as if X-Men 3: The Minor Disappointment had actually featured Angel in the movie instead of just teasing me with his presence. Silver freakin’ Surfer, folks. I’m all giddy.

Which is good, because this crap that the two boneheads from Seattle wrote for Blake to sing is one of the most boring, ball-free songs I’ve ever heard. Pure and utter shit, completely without artistic value, and barely worth listening to (much less recording). If I were Blake, I would jump off stage and beat the living hell out of the writers for this little bit of idiocy.

My God, it’s like they actually hate music. I mean, that’s the only reasonable explanation that I can come up with.

Idiots.

American Idol Hates Music!

Simon is wrong: it is a bad song.

Now Jordin sings the song, too. Because American Idol Hates Music! The little crying girl thing she did at the end was a nice touch, though. That will buy her a few million extra votes (and probably the victory). Sadly for Blake, he’s going to lose.

If this is your now, your now sucks big.

Anyway, I’ll have to post something to listen to that might overpower the bad taste that “This is My Now” has left in my mouth. Maybe I’ll post some angry frog music and tell you about what I think might be worrisome changes in the political and social climate in South Africa. First, though, I have to take girl to get some ice cream to celebrate her extra good day.

Update: Venomous Chick writes:

Unfortunately, the only surprise of the evening involved just how appallingly awful the winning song from the “Songwriting Contest” - “This is My Now” — was.

Isn’t that the truth?

And this post has made Mullah McCain’s Fatwa (which also has the most adorable little picture of Osama bin Laden that you could possibly imagine--adorable, I tell you).