Tuesday, February 17, 2009

American Idol, Feb 17, 2009: The Relatively Short Version (Now With Extra Naughty Language)

Jackie Tohn: Send her home. Hideous. Seriously. As bad as anything I’ve seen this side of William Hung. The judges must have been sucking one major crack pipe to have found something positive in that little ball of tripe. Except for Simon, that is, who was also right about the outfit.

Ricky Braddy: Or was that Ricky Bobby? I’m a little confused. Yeah, okay, whatever, I didn’t hate it. He has a decent voice. Especially if he wants to be a contemporary Christian music singer which would really make great use of all his vocal swoopy bits--and would serve a second purpose of keeping his voice quarantined far away from anywhere that I might accidentally be exposed to it. And it was nice that he wasn’t wearing spandex. Thank yoooouuuuuooouuuouuuu.

Why, You Might Ask? Mostly because I’m cranky tonight, I have nowhere to be (and no money to spend if I were there), and because I’m tired of making the fucking logo bigger.

Alexis Grace: Cute kid. Really cute kid. And the kid’s kid is pretty cute, too.Actually, I kind of like this one and it’s not just because she’s got some serious pixy-esque charm going on. I think she has a really solid voice that comes across as a shock once you’ve seen her. Nice bluesy little number, strong voice, and fun to watch. Darling girl thinks she’d look better if the skirt were a little longer. It’s a little odd to hear the judges (Paula) playing the cute and virginal card for this young mom. She’s obviously a little less untouched than, say, controversial bits of Alaska’s lovely outback. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just a little disingenuous to go that direction, if you take my meaning.

Brent Keith: If you like contemporary country, you’ll probably like this guy--and he’s cute in an all-American country boy kind of way. Me, my love of country ended years ago with George Strait, Ricky Van Shelton, and Vince Gil. Now country mostly bores me. That’s a matter of taste, though, and not a question of his talent. Contra Simon, I think the country will like this kid.

Irritating Aside: You’d think that after this many years of doing the same thing the American Idol folks could get through a night without technical glitches and a wrong tape moment that threw everyone off their game.

Stevie Wright: Wow, great personality and, seemingly, a nice girl, but that didn’t go so well for her. Sounded a little like High School: The Musical from Hell. Maybe she was nervous, maybe she’s just not particularly good, but whatever the problem, she’s really lucky that Jackie Tohn was one step from comedically bad. Not a good night for Stevie. Shame.

Anoop Desai: Tonight he sounds little like he did during auditions; I hate the song. With a passion. Guy still has a good voice, but this was a bad song choice for him. He was better during the auditions and in Hollywood week. This didn’t work for me.

Casey Carlson: The pretty one wears a lovely hat. “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” doesn’t work for her, though. What the hell was that? I mean, aside from really bad. The only redeeming qualities were the ridiculously cute girl on stage and the Sarah Palin wink. The overall performance was almost as bad as the vocals. Was that worse than Jackie Tohn? It might have been. That was the most karaoke moment of the night so far.

Michael Sarver: I’ve liked this guy from the beginning, but this was just a kind of weird performance. Not nearly bad to the level of Casey Carlson’s abomination of a performance, but definitely on the bad imitation side of the karaoke contest. Didn’t go well at all for the guy that is filling the “every man” role in this contest. He’s pretty easy to like and really easy to root for, but I wonder how far he can go in the show.

Okay, the obligatory “I Hate Paula” moment: her biggest critique of the thing was that she didn’t really like that he was changing his mic hand in a way that she didn’t quite get. Can’t we just give her a quart of vodka and a pacifier and tell her to shut the hell up?

Ann Marie Boskovich: Marginal vocals, but better than either Casey or Jackie. Which is the lowest possible bar to clear tonight. Lovely dress, though.

Geeking Out on the Movies Aside: I’m all sorts of excited about X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Giddy even.

Steven Fowler: One of my early favorites even with his horrible showing in Hollywood week’s solo night. They guy has a classical kind of R&B voice--smooth, controlled, cool. The backup singers sounded bad, though, and it wasn’t the best song choice for his voice. When he went big, it just showed some serious vocal overreach. Apparently the judges agree. I hope he sticks around and I hope he gets another shot at this.

Damned, Evil Tatiana Del Toro: I hate her. And her little dog, too. She never should have gone through; drama queen isn’t even close to describing her irritating, over-the-top, idiotically emotional, affected, horrid personality. Her dream, apparently, is my nightmare. Unfortunately, while she wasn’t great, she was reasonably good this week and she probably won’t be going home.

I blame Obama. For some reason. It might just be that I’m still cranky about generations worth of dough being pissed down the drain in that mammoth stimulus bill. She does, however, campaign for herself with the fervor (if not the skill) of Obama at his best.

Danny Gokey: While I’m still cranky that his pal didn’t make it through, too, I really like Danny. Am I the only one who gets the feeling that this cat might be secretly batting for the other team, though? Wonderful voice, harmless good looks, huggable personality, and a great back story. How could he not make it through to the finals? And, yes, that’s a prediction. He even managed to pull off a Whitney Houston song and not sound like an idiot. In fact, he hit it out of the freakin’ park.

The only two performances that I completely enjoyed tonight were his and Alexis Grace. That’s it. Braddy was okay. Kieth was decent. Anoop was fine. Mostly, though, it was a parade of mediocrity with a few dips into comic relief.

Why was Ryan talking about Simon’s organ? Or lack thereof? Ryan’s banter sucks.


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