Clean & Sober (StumpJumper)

Last night I went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

ZombyBoy and I joke a lot on this blog about drinking. We have drank together many times and I know that we will drink together many times more. When taken in moderation, alcohol can be a lot of fun. Problems arise only when alcohol consumption is taken too far. I am not an alcoholic and neither is ZombyBoy. Someone very close to me is.

My friend has been off of drugs and alcohol for four years now. Since becoming sober he has become very active in the AA organization. Last night was a special night for him. For the first time he was asked to lead a meeting. I had no idea what this meant, but he asked me to go nonetheless.

When my friend first asked me to go to this meeting my initial reaction was to try to get out of it. For reasons that I still do not understand I really didn’t want to go. My friend and I lived in different states when he was using so I never saw him in that state. Maybe I wanted to keep my distance from those days. Part of my reaction may have been guilt. My friend and I drank together before he became an addict. In fact, I got him drunk for the first time. I cannot describe to you how this makes me feel. Maybe I wanted to keep these feelings buried. Regardless of my reasons, I did not want to go to this meeting. I knew that I had to, however. When someone who you care about asks you for something this personal you do it, no matter how uncomfortable you think that it will make you.

As I drove the hour that it took me to get to the meeting I thought a lot about AA. Since I was not around when my friend using my knowledge of AA was very anecdotal. I remember this joke that we used to tell when I was in the Navy. Question: What is the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk? Answer: Alcoholics have to go to those stupid meetings! I also remember a Seinfeld episode. An acquaintance of George’s was going through the step where he has to apologize to everyone. George got bent out of shape when the acquaintance neglected to apologize to him. I don’t remember the ending but I’m sure that it ended the way that all of George’s subplots did. For such a large organization I find it strange that these are the things that stuck out in my mind.

As a conservative-libertarian I frequently get upset at what I feel to be an overuse of the term "addict." I often feel that the declaration of addiction as a "disease" leads to a lack of personal responsibility. During the times that my friend was going through the twelve steps (he relapsed twice) we had several discussions regarding the nature of "the program." Several of the things that he said have never sat right with me. They seemed to contradict many of my conservative-libertarian ideals. I was very careful, however, to never question AA or its approach to recovery. Why, I used to wonder, have I always felt that AA was above reproach? The answer is simple. Regardless of my impressions or lack of understanding, I have always known that AA helps people.

Yesterday I was listening to the Rush Limbaugh show while at work. Rush was talking about liberals. He was making all of the classic right-wing arguments against feel-good politics. He would mention a government program and question whether or not it really worked. His argument was, simply, that Democrats always want to give more money to programs and Republicans always want proof that these programs will work. I dawned on me as I was driving to the AA meeting that no one ever questions the worth of the AA approach to recovery. It simply works and we all know this. AA helps people.

I arrived at the meeting just as it was beginning, my mind struggling to understand what I was about to experience. I was a little apprehensive because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I sat in an empty seat near the back and the gentleman next to me immediately introduced himself. I told him my name, pointed to my friend who was at the front of the room, and mentioned why I was there. I was immediately filled with the desire to declare myself not an alcoholic. "I’m here for him," I wanted to say, "but I don’t have a problem myself!" I resisted the urge, thankfully, but will forever feel belittled by what I was thinking. I was embarrassed by my thoughts. I still am. Trying to push these thoughts out of my mind, I turned my attention to the meeting.

Two of the core tenets of AA, I now know, are confidentiality and anonymity. What is said at a meeting is meant to be confidential and the attendees are meant to be anonymous. I hope that I can describe what I experienced without crossing the line, and I pray for forgiveness if I fail. I feel the need to discuss my experiences, however. I was moved by what I saw. I am a stone-cold, heartless bastard, yet I was deeply moved.

I have no idea whether the events that I witnessed were normal for an AA meeting, although I get the impression that they were. The meeting began with several volunteers reading the core beliefs of AA. Given my limited understanding of the organization, most of these were new to me. I found them fascinating. Many of them regarded a commitment to not involve the organization in politics or publicity. According to what was read, AA does not seek media coverage, express opinions on current events, support candidates for elected office, or do anything else that might deter them from their mission. They seek neither recognition nor thanks, and they eschew fame. I had never given this much thought but its truth became immediately apparent. AA does none of these things. This is not their mission. What AA does, is help people.

Once the introductory activities were complete, the meeting proper began. Here are some of the things that I saw, in no particular order:

• I saw a woman admit that she was returning to AA because of a relapse after seven years of sobriety, and I pray to God that I never feel the pain that I saw in her eyes. I also saw several people, complete strangers, offer her solace and comfort. I saw no one judge her. She was there because AA helps people.

• I saw a man tell my friend that he was "pretty new to sobriety." These words struck me like a hammer but my friend didn’t miss a beat. He simply gave the man his cell phone number and said "call me if you need anything." He didn’t say it in that casual way that most of us do. He said it in the manner of someone who would, literally, do anything that this complete stranger needed. To my friend this was no big deal. This is what my friend does. He helps people.

• I saw a woman put a dollar into the collection hat. To my knowledge this is the only source of funding for these meetings. I certainly have never been called during dinner or solicited on the street by someone asking for money for AA. I had nothing to contribute because I left my wallet in my car. Me, I don’t think twice about paying five dollars for a stinking latte at a coffee shop. What am I compared to this woman who was giving the only dollar that she could spare? This is what AA members do. The give of themselves so that they can help people.

• I saw my friend speak for a half an hour. He stuttered, stammered, "umm"-ed, and "ah"-ed. He was not eloquent. He was moving in a way that I will never be. The story was simple. He simply spoke of how AA helped him when he needed them.

When the meeting was over my friend and I walked to the parking lot together. We walked with a woman who’s name I do not remember. My friend was driving her home. Apparently, she called the meeting center to say that she "needed to go to a meeting" but that she had no transportation. Their response was simple and immediate: "Where do you live? We’ll send someone to get you." This is the way things work in AA. They help people.

When I finally got to my car, having said my good-byes, I drove as quickly as I could. The longer that I was there the more uncomfortable I felt. The simple truth is that I was not worthy to be in their presence. My friend invited me to this meeting because it was a proud moment for him and he wanted to share it with me. What he did not realize is that this would be one of the most humbling experiences of my life. For this I will forever be grateful.

Last night I went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Today I truly understand what yesterday I barely knew. Simply put, AA helps people.

God bless AA and its members. There is a special place in heaven for each and every one of them.

Posted by stumpjumper at August 6, 2003 09:25 AM | TrackBack